maybe it's just that time of year

man, but am i homesick the past few days... i miss everyone: my family, my friends, our old flat and walks around highland park, admiring all the pretty old houses. stopping by the unofficial dog park to hang with fellow members of the doggie set. i miss riding the 73b into work every day, not even because it was such an easy commute, but because it was fun, too. thanks to "chatty cathy" drew we made a lot of friends on that bus. i miss our dinner parties, and know a lot of you do, too. even the grammatically atrocious, way too loud conversations of yinzers from la-ville would be welcome right now. that it's the gray time of year, as my good friend beth put it, doesn't dampen my desire to be home at all.

i am missing a sense of place... a sense of permanence and belonging. everything is too transitory and ambiguous right now, and i don't like ambiguity. i like things to be clear and defined. living in santa cruz is temporary, and while i am really thankful for that because the commute sucks (in terms of time) and it's too far away from everything despite being a lovely town, it means more change. it's too soon to know what moving up to the south bay will be - will it be getting our own place or starting as a resident minister here at scu and living on campus? both have their pros and cons... our own place would be expensive, but it would be our space, with our stuff, and that has great power and appeal. resident ministry would mean getting to use my masters degree, which is exciting, a great commute (a few minutes walk) and an opportunity to save some money, but it also means our stuff staying in storage, which is so discouraging to me at times that it makes me almost want to sell most of it on ebay and craig's list and save that money to start again later (a bad idea, i know.) rm would also mean a small apartment, close physical confines. after living in someone else's house, which we are very lucky to be doing, it would be so nice to feel like our new space is really ours.

i guess i'm also feeling a bit worn down by the unforgiving nature of life in northern california. yeah, it's beautiful and there's lots to do, more opportunity work-wise for both of us, but it's so expensive that the opportunities don't make up for the difference in cost of living. they just don't. any mis-steps or set-backs can mushroom in no time flat to something incredibly unpleasant. that was one of the things i really liked about home... much more forgiving in that respect. even though i really love my job and i'm very grateful that drew isn't having the sorts of problems he was having in pittsburgh, it feels like we're losing ground. i was a very late bloomer when it comes to career. i didn't get it, if that makes any sense, until recently. maybe it's partially a product of being the first generation to go to college in my family combined with living at home while going to school, but i didn't understand, hell, i didn't even know how to go about building a career. i didn't understand what it took, never mind how to get there. i didn't know how to leverage my degree to my advantage so i just kind of drifted from one thing to the next. i'm way far behind in that respect, which a little over a year shy of forty can be kind of depressing if i let it. and how the hell did i end up pushing forty? that is just way too bizarre. i usually don't let this stuff bum me out, but you know how it is when you're already feeling low. i can do better from here on out, of course, that's the beauty of life, but i wish i'd understood it all earlier.

i guess, fundamentally, i'm feeling lonely right now. i have so little free time during the week that i don't have time to connect with the few friends i still have out here, never mind making new ones. i'm so fucking tired by the weekend that i never seem to get everything i need to do done. thanksgiving is coming up and we still don't know what we're doing. i can't seem to pin my sister down about what they're planning/do they want to plan something with us... i need to call her today about that. several of the friends i do have here still have been part of a book club for over fifteen years that does thanksgiving together, others have moved on to have families and are doing their own thing, so they're out. i was always the one who invited the strays to dinner; realizing i might actually be one is pretty discouraging. combine that with wanting to cook and fuck! no wonder i'm blue. drew and i can always have thanksgiving together, but let's be honest, it's kind of pathetic to have two people for thanksgiving.

ah well. believe it or not, i am actually feeling better that i was yesterday, thanks to the efforts of the homesick/discouraged/weeper support network (aka beth, kendra and judy). and i know i'll feel better soon, i always do. :) at least i don't delude myself thinking i have to get life figured out. i don't think that ever happens, really, even when you're eighty three. you have some stuff figured out by then for sure, but LIFE? it's too big to figure it all out, but it sure is interesting trying.

a new look

"i'd rather be in pittsburgh" is sporting a new look today. not exactly how i want it, but the template options are pretty limited, and at least the pictures aren't scrunched up and cropped awkwardly, which was driving me nuts before (the best part of the "oh happy day" picture is all the guys, imho, and half of them were cut out before!) i do like the purple and green, i must say. i must also get cracking here... the day's a-wasting away and here i am, fucking around with my blog. ah well...

fireworks 101

no offense or anything, but people in santa cruz are retarded when it comes to fireworks. and firecrackers, bottle rockets, roman candles etc. it's not that they don't love them, because believe me, they do. if anything, they love them too much.

when you think fireworks, you think.... forth of july, new year's even, a winning pirates game (so few and far between they have to do something), and on the west coast or nyc, you might even think chinese new year. am i right? well, in santa cruz, they think fireworks any time from the forth of july on, and while i love firecrackers and bottle rockets as much as the next gal, my dog, zinger, does not. after all the trick or treating excitement was over on wednesday, drew and i took zinger on a walk. and it was a really great, spooky, halloween-y halloween too... totally socked in with fog, so it pretty creepy. especially for those of us with over-active imaginations. we made it out of our cul-de-sac and almost to the end of the next block when some genius sets off a firework. i think it was a bottle rocket, based on the acoustics (high pitched and fading wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, followed by a loud POP!)

what the fuck, people? since when are fireworks, crackers, rockets, etc., fair game for halloween? halloween is jack-o-lanterns and fake cobwebs with over-sized spiders in trees and signs that say "spooky lane" by the front walk, next to the fake tombstones for count dracula and frankenstein. these maroons (thank you, bugs bunny) are continually freaking my dog out! i expect this on the forth of july, and a week before and after. shit, let's be generous and say i expect it for the entire month of july. but october? for fuck's sake! i must say, the little dog really rallied and surpassed my wildest expectations this time. usually, after the initial startlement (complete with tail & ear tuck and pulling on her leash (with a pinch collar) until she's gasping for air), she'll give it to the closest pooping spot (in this case 1.5 blocks away) do her business and then turn around, indicating none too subtly that she is finished with her walk and wants to repair to the safety of her beneath our bed lair. and who can blame her? not only did she pass the poop spot, but she didn't pull on her leash until gasping (though it was taut), and while she did an initial tail and ear tuck, she got through the whole walk, and even managed to wag her tail after a few minutes. if there'd been another firecracker all bets would have been off, but as it was we didn't have any additional displays of santa cruz genius, thank god.

much as i am looking forward to thanksgiving (even though we have no idea what we're doing yet, apart from cooking) if we're in santa cruz i hope it doesn't include fireworks. i hate to think of myself as a bah-humbug kind of gal, but my poor doggie just can't take it.

another reason why i love my job

so i get into work this morning tired out of my mind. we're talking jaw-cracking-uber-yawn tired here, not your regular garden variety tired. not only was my truly lovely and wonderful niece, rachel, in town and staying with us since last wednesday, but i came down with a really bad cold the same day. thus, i was dragging my all-i-want-to-do-is-sleep-and-blow-my-nose-ass all around the bay area to go and do cool things. can't let a cold, even a nasty one, get in the way of helping rachel see some of the local wonders.

so i come into work bleary eyed and tired, definitely in a "we really need to hit the lottery because i am so over all this working shit" frame of mind, when i notice it. there's a bag of biscotti on my desk that was definitely not there on wednesday. i'm standing there wondering how it got there, and who did the getting, when i read the tag and see that it's from enrico biscotti, which as all pittsburghers know is some of the best biscotti in the world. now how the heck did that get there? after a moment or two (or three or four - i was tired!) comprehension dawned as i realized my boss, bill, got it for me. he was in pittsburgh for a conference last week, so i did what any self-respecting pittsburgher would do: i gave him a list of things to see and do. he didn't have time to do most of what was on the list but he managed to go to enrico biscotti and bring a bag of it back for me. i know i'm easy to please, but it was such a lovely suprise and totally made my day! bill, you rock! :)

since i started my new job i have often felt that i've stumbled into an alternate universe so pleasant and so humane, especially when compared to another work experience i won't mention in detail, that it must be a dream. i mean, it feels like there can be no other explanation. i've decided, for as long as it lasts, that instead of pinching myself to see if it's real, i'm going to make a cup of tea and munch on some biscotti, and think about what i'm going to do and see next time i'm home.

crab-asses of the world, unite!

warning!!!! you are about to enter a verified crab-ass zone! beware!

nothing like a little sleep deprivation to improve my mood - ha ha ha....

seriously though, folks, i am one tired little chicky and it's making me so crabby it is unbelievable. i owe it mostly (though not entirely) to my attendance this past weekend at the bioneers conference. it was a great experience but one that didn't allow me to sleep in at all, thus serving as an eye opener about how much i depend on those lazy weekend snoozes with wake up times of 10 a.m. at the extreme earliest. that said, the conference was really cool. it would have been cooler if my little brother had been able to attend as planned, but apparently playing flag football and ping-pong can be pretty hazardous to one's health; he was sidelined with injuries from both (and he was pooped - he works too hard and much.)

so while the conference was good, it was the second day before i realized that my number one reason for going was to get to hang out with him, as i don't get to enough, and maybe that was why i wasn't experiencing a paradigm-shifting event like he and my sister, who also went, have as a result of attendance in years past. in any event, not all was lost as my sister and her husband, not to mention my niece and her tutor, were there. the plenary sessions were great and i was introduced to so many interesting people and their work, like jay harman, founder of pax scientific, specializing in bio mimicry design - very cool stuff; van jones from the ella baker center, which is working with disadvantaged youth in west oakland, california, training them for green collar jobs; eve ensler, playwright of the vagina monologues fame; and the amazing husband and wife team ka hsaw wa and katie redford, founders of earth rights international, the organization that successfully established the ability to sue corporations, in this particular case unocal, in u.s. federal court to hold them responsible for human rights abuses committed as a result of their business dealings. again, in this case, during construction of their oil pipeline in burma. unocal settled once they went all the way to the supreme court trying to get the case thrown out, so it's the same difference, and they established that it could be done, not with standing katie's many law professors telling her it not only couldn't be done, but was unconstitutional. they are now suing shell for the heinous human rights abuses being committed in nigeria, including the murder of activist ken saro wiwa. and so, so many more that i am not going to write about here or it's all i'd do. so many inspiring people and their work... it makes me feel like i really ought to be doing more and that my accomplishments in life are meager indeed. i know that's not the intent of conference, but still... i really need to do more. but first i need to get rid of the two-ish hour commute every day (round trip, i'm not that crazy), which is sucking my will to live right out of my body.

not much else new. got some new yarn and am expecting more to do some felting projects! when i'll have the time to do so, well, that's another matter for another day. at least i have the raw materials. was reading how my dear friend lb's blog about the entire room she is devoting to her knitting projects (and possibly others) and i just about had to wipe the drool off my keyboard. i can only dream of such spacious accommodations at the moment.

anyhoo, that's it for me just now. send all kind of love to the world and all of her inhabitants, people. if ever a planet needed it, she's it.

craftiness frustration

sorry to be m.i.a., folks, but i have been busy, and mostly with work, of all things! i still love the job, though, i am happy to report.

so... i have been re-inspired to take up making candles again, after the beautiful story in the november 2007 issue of martha stewart living, Candles Take Shape for the Holidays. however, i do have some frustrations... namely, the buying guide tells you where to buy most of the products needed to make the items in the article, like the turkey molds and the wax, etc. (and boy did i ever do some buying), but not where one can buy the molds for the pumpkins! all of the pumpkin molds i've found so far by googling are lame... nothing so beautiful and charming as those pictured in my idol's publication, especially the larger ones. shame on them, really! i've decided i'll have to write the crafts editor, and a good old-fashioned letter, too, since it's proving impossible to find her email address.

i am still working on the same sweater i've been working on for months. i carry my knitting with me but rarely have the time to do it - frustrating! i also have yet to receive my order for this cute little backpack from patternworks. i've changed the color scheme a bit and replaced black for the brown, and a pretty blue for the orange; i'm not really a brown and orange kind of girl. the missing order is frustrating not because i'll be able to start it any time soon, but they're usually so on it. i don't know, maybe it got lost in the mail, which is one of the disadvantages of them using regular mail: no tracking numbers. they said if i didn't get it by yesterday they'd re-send my order, so i hope they have because it still hasn't arrived. :_(

in other news... well, that will have to wait, but i promise i won't be so long in getting back to you. :)

california dreaming...

i love magazines... martha stewart living (and martha stewart weddings when i was smoking the wedding crack pipe), cook's illustrated, vanity fair, national geographic, sunset, dwell... all full of cool stuff i love, and yes, we have subscriptions to all of these but two - can you guess which ones? i'll give you a freebie: sunset, which brings me to california dreaming. in the latest issue they have their annual sunset idea house, and this year's house, in lake tahoe, is a doozy. wood everywhere, concrete walls that are to die for (really, they are), slate floors, wood floors, outdoor shower in the master suite, rammed earth walls surrounding the most gorgeous patio (complete with sunken fire pit), a mud room, and a beyootiful kitchen with counter space that doesn't quit, although i'd need to see the chandelier in person - it wasn't speaking to my soul in the picture. basically just the most gorgeous, multi-million dollar home i've seen in a while, but it's from sunset magazine - of course it's gorgeous! i'm still in love with and dream of building a sunset breeze house some day, the house that totally changed my preconceptions of what a pre-fab house can be and made me think, yes, i could live in a modern design house.

in a nut shell, this latest issue of sunset has set off a huge pang of wanting to be so rich we could build such a gorgeous house in any gorgeous location of our choosing, when not shopping in paris, and such pangs are just so unproductive. for me, anyway. but then again, maybe not, if our little plan works out. one of the more interesting aspects of my new job at santa clara university is the resident ministry program. the basic idea is that you live for free in one of the residences in a one bedroom apartment and get paid a stipend, and put in 10 - 15 hours a week as the resident minister - helping students with spiritual development and engaging in the tradition of jesuit theology, which is hard core on social justice and human rights, so just up my alley. that appeals to me, and it also made me realize in a much deeper way that while i was living in pittsburgh, for all of its many wonderful traits, it was a very spiritually impoverished time for me. very. i couldn't hack going to mass there because it was so conservative so in terms of spiritual practice it was all on a personal level and i really missed the community participation. back in california i've found a parish i like, have met many progressive people there... i mean, let's face it: it's easy to be catholic in northern california, with it's progressive social norms. the resident ministry program just captured my imagination, though, and has rekindled an interest in ministry that i had pretty much written off. maybe i'll go in a direction of campus ministry, maybe not, but i'm going to try to get hired as a resident minister. there could be some snags for me, not quite sure just yet, but by hook or by crook i will give it my best shot (so i am requesting all positive vibes and prayers, please, for as long as it takes.) it'd be a drag to not be able to unpack our stuff, though we would most likely move it from its present location, or at least pull it all out and dig through it so we can have our kitchen stuff and other things that i, quite frankly, don't feel like doing without for years on end. one year, even eighteen months i can handle, but much more than that and we might as well just sell it all and be done with it. and of course in addition to all of the spiritual and professionally appealing aspects of the work we could so save mad cash if we didn't have to pay those progressive, social norms northern california rental prices. heck, we might be able to buy an exorbitantly overpriced house of our own after a few years!

so maybe the sunset idea house isn't such a bad thing after all, in terms of motivation for longer term goals. it's open to the public weekends thru october 28th, and i'd like to go see it. oh, and that brings me to another great side bennie of the resident ministry program: a five minute walking commute. our living situation here in santa cruz is amazing and we are so lucky, and grateful for it, but the commute is a bummer. i can do it for a year, but even if i don't get into the resident ministry program we have to move to south bay sooner rather than later because two hours of my day driving to work is too much. the worst part about it is that i don't want to go anywhere on the weekends if i have to spend more than twenty minutes in the car. i'd like to go see the house, but shit! a five hour drive up to tahoe is long as it is; after a week of our commute it starts to feel punitive. that's the basic problem with santa cruz, which i've actually come to quite like: it's just that bit too far away so that going anywhere involves way too much schleping oneself way too far. it takes an hour and a half to get to san francisco or the east bay on a good traffic day, so we just don't do it much. i mean, it's 45 minutes w/ good traffic to lucy's in san jose. santa cruz would be perfect if it could just be in los gatos.

ah well... obviously the universe didn't have my needs in mind when forming this beautiful world of ours. selfish s.o.b.. the universe, not having my needs paramount while creating itself! and perverse as all get out, too, but that's a post for another day.