devin

in the generation after mine the geevers run to boys... of the eight grandkids, six are boys. devin was the third of my nieces and nephews and he died today. he turned 19 on january 17th, while he was in the icu of tallahassee memorial hospital. on the evening of the 15th of january he was, from all indications, the victim of a hit and run accident on the main campus of florida state university, where he was a freshman. someone hit him so hard they broke his hips, fractured his pelvis, broke and fractured his ribs, bruised his kidney and pancreas, mangled his spleen so badly it had to be removed, collapsed both his lungs and by the time he was found, caused almost all the blood in his body to hemorrhage out of him. at first we thought his head, at least, wasn't injured but we were wrong. two days after his birthday, after a CAT scan and and EEG determined his brain was no longer functioning, he was removed from life support. he was surrounded by his family and friends and i will regret until the day i die that i wasn't able to be there.

whenever a loved one dies everyone says how great they were, how special they were, and devin really, really was so incredibly, amazingly, wonderfully special. on both his personal and memorial facebook pages almost every single person mentions his sunny disposition and his wicked sense of humor. just like his brother, colin, he could have you laughing so hard it hurt, so hard you thought you'd never catch your breath. he was incredibly smart and could have done anything, really. he wanted to be an engineer. he was a sweet, loving, darling boy who i didn't get to spend enough time with. i let geography and money dictate how much time i spent with him and his brother and sister and my brother and sister-in-law. like everyone else i thought there'd be more time. i thought there was all the time in the world, but i was wrong.

so what do i remember most about devin? his smile. his laugh. how blue his eyes were. how tall he got! how funny he was. how he was the fattest baby and the skinniest young man. how much i loved that his birthday was two days from mine... i'm not sure i ever told him that but i did. i was so happy he was a capricorn, too. how he looked like the spitting image of his mom and his dad at the same time. his easy going, fun loving personality. how he and his brother, when they were little , used to bicker but how they always forgot about it and were soon thick as thieves again. watching him tease his sister, play with his dog, his delight at having the birds at butterfly world land on him. how much fun you had when you and your cousins were together... that was a delight to witness. i could go on and on and never run out of things to say. the hole his death has left in my heart, in my family, is impossible to describe. one of his friends wrote to him on his facebook page that a lot of her memories of him made her laugh but they all made her cry, and that is exactly how i feel. i simply cannot imagine the world without devin in it. it doesn't make sense to me... it never will.

i love you, devin, and i always will. i am sorry i didn't get to spend more time with you, and i'm glad that you seemed to like hanging out with me when we were together. you were such a blessing, such a delight, such a precious gift. my life is richer for you having been a part of it and poorer for your absence. there are not enough words in all the languages of the world that can express how much we all love you. how much we wish we had more time with you. i would trade places with you in a heartbeat if i could but i can't, and i hate it! so i'll just keep loving you, keep holding you in my heart, and hope that some day i'll get to be with you again.

psychomania

when i was a kid there was a pre-runner to hbo called hollywood home theater, to which our family had a brief subscription. it must have been a free trial or something because we were the last people i knew to get a color t.v. and my parents still to this day get basic cable, and only because regular pre-digital air wave reception down in the valley was horrible. the idea of them paying for any subscription movie channel in the mid to late seventies just doesn't compute with my remembrances of childhood. at any rate, there was this movie that we (molly, joe, justin and i) watched many times about this english biker gang who all killed themselves and came back from the dead to wreak havoc and mayhem. it had this super mystical element, as you can no doubt glean from the picture above of the biker riding around the misty, mini-stonehenge. you just had to believe you'd return from the dead as you committed suicide but if you chickened out you were toast, as one member learned the hard way. i was thinking of this movie yesterday, wondering what the hell it was called and if i'd ever manage to track it down again when, lo and behold, i came across it quite by accident on one of the movie channels we get just as it was starting. the stars aligning in this way could not be ignored so drew and i settled in for what was no doubt going to be a really terrible movie, as so many fondly remembered movies from childhood turn out to be.

we were not disappointed. psychomania was silly, terrible and completely fun in a so bad it's good kind of way. made in 1971 it was all tripped out style-wise. the leader of the gang, tom, was not the anti-establishment rebel i remembered but a complete loser thug. he thought he was an anti-establishment rebel but tom, i've got news for you... you were a loser. you do, however, look very, very cool.


tom, like so many troubled children, didn't have a chance. his mom was into some crazy mystical toad shit ...


...and his dad tried to cross over and come back but chickened out at the last second. at the start of the film tom and his crew kill some (no doubt) conformist, establishment dude by causing his car to crash which sends conformist, establishment dude through the windscreen. tom then goes home and tells mystical-toad-loving mummy and her creepy butler (or is he more?) that "we blew a guy's mind today". no one bats an eyelash at murder as a mind-blowing experience. is it any wonder that tom and his gang, the aptly named living dead, come to a bad end?

and what do un-dead biker thugs do to wreak havoc in 1971 england, you ask? they intimidate publicans, murder the cute girl who paid for their drink at the pub as well as those who came to her aid in pub parking lots, kill police at the police station while breaking out their un-dead comrades, and, by far my personal favorite, terrorize shoppers at a grocery store...


psychomania is more fun than a barrel of monkeys and not to be missed, especially if you loved it as a kid. you can still love it, albeit for entirely different reasons, as an adult.

dreaming of thanksgiving

yeah, yeah, yeah, i know it's halloween so i suppose i should be posting about that but to be honest, much as i like halloween and had the joy and delight of growing up in a die hard, spookiest house on the street halloween family (thank you big brother micky!), it doesn't really excite me all that much. maybe if i had little bambinos to dress up and take around i'd be more into it but as it stands... it's not speaking to my soul. don't get me wrong... i took great joy in watching it's the great pumpkin, charlie brown and am looking forward to the fun and merriment and what not, but it really doesn't excite me like thanksgiving.

thanksgiving is another matter altogether! i have always loved thanksgiving and at the risk of insulting my wonderful family in pittsburgh, i am really enjoying the having friends over for thanksgivings again since we've come back to california. family too, of course, since lucy and laurence are here and are awesome enough to celebrate with us, and this year we will also get the goodby clan! i loved doing thanksgiving at my parents' place in pittsburgh but i didn't get to do the cooking and that, for me anyhow, is the most fun part of the whole shebang. that said, i did do a thanksgiving dinner for our sorely missed dinner party friends every november so i guess i had the best of both worlds, family and friend dinners, now that i think about it. i was the official geever pie queen growing up and while we were living in pittsburgh and i get to do that, too! what can i say? i like thanksgiving meals and i like them a certain way so i end up doing most of it (control issues, anyone?). trump is always game for mashing potatoes, drew is a fantastic host who keeps everyone lubricated and entertained, and everyone pitches in at the hectic end. it's drew's favorite holiday and his enthusiasm and excitement have definitely rubbed off on me, but not enough to do a thanksgiving dinner every month, as he proposes at least that often. where there's life, there's hope. ;-)

so, what have i been dreaming of so far? a heritage turkey from the good shepherd farm, ordered via the wonderful folks at heritage foods. martha says if you get a fresh turkey you don't need to bother with brining as they're succulent to begin with but i don't know... i've kinda gotten hooked on brining. i think i'll stick with it. cook's illustrated is proposing dry brining this year but i hate anything that depends on loosening the skin to stick stuff under it. it's so easy to tear and then you're fucked, not to put too fine a point on it. i think i'll stick with the cook's country perfect roast turkey, which i've used before with great success and yumminess. salt pork - who knew? drew has requested the sausage, chestnut and mushroom dressing a la the good folks at williams-sonoma who still want too much for the much-lusted-after roasting pan. i'll do it as stuffing, of course, and w/out their $16.50 chestnuts. i'm going to get mine at our local zanotto's market; that's the one we go to on the site, as it happens. the chestnuts will be raw so i'll roast them, which i haven't done in a while and is half the fun. if you've never had freshly roasted chestnuts you are missing out on one of life's true gastronomic delights and they're super easy to prepare. sweet, warm, chewy roast chestnuts... i might have to do a trial run.

as for sides... roasted garlic mashed potatoes, this awesome acorn squash and apple bake recipe that i got from our new csa, farm fresh to you. i am super pleased with ffty... excellent produce and variety and they deliver! the potatoes we got last time were to die for. i wonder if i can request extras for thanksgiving? have to look into that. for veggies i'm thinking of martha's ginger sesame stir fried green beans that were such a hit at the dinner parties, plus something with broccolini. we love broccolini and i have to wonder just where it's been all my life until this past year or so. and sweet potatoes, of course. maybe the roasted ones from my low fat moosewood cookbook. haven't made those in a while and they're pretty darn good. sweet potatoes and squash both; too much? it seems sacrilegious to not have sweet potatoes but that'll be a lot with the squash. any opinions, oh gentle readers?

don't worry, i didn't forget dessert! i found a lovely maple bourbon pecan pie recipe in my martha stewart living cookbook last year that i plan to make again, though i was just comparing it to cook's illustrated perfect pecan pie and am making some adjustments, including using fresh vanilla bean instead of extract. i got some vanilla beans at costco a while back.... ten beans for $10, if i remember correctly. since they were practically giving them away i bought a bunch and really do want to use them. pumpkin and mincemeat pie too, it goes without saying. the wonderful belknaps will be joining us again this year so i hope dave is willing to tend bar again. our first year back he did so and regaled us with the wonders of the sidecar, a drink i had never heard of but now love. dave being the connoisseur and all he didn't just make us a sidecar, he made us three, all with different liqueurs (i think i liked the first one best). i hadn't eaten since breakfast and in a hot kitchen all day and was half way through my third when i realized i was getting rather drunk so had to stash my drink in the fridge until dinner was ready. good times!

i guess that's enough for the holiday after the current one, but ooh! i am excited! if you're in our neck of the woods be sure to stop by. i'm sure there will be more than enough.

the best stories are love stories

so i finally watched gran torino last night and wow! seriously. wow. drew wanted to watch monsters vs. aliens, and i'm sure it's good, but i insisted on gran torino and we are both glad i did. i was under the impression it was bleak and couldn't have been more mistaken. if you are looking for a film that is hilarious in all the wrong ways as well as a completely life-affirming love story (not boy meets girl love story but a LOVE story), rent that dvd post-haste, grasshopper. clint eastwood was a complete revelation... God, but the man can act. and direct!

so what's on my agenda for today, you ask? well, first off i am going to bake another loaf of cranberry bread. i used to have this great recipe for cranberry orange bread that i got when i lived in noe valley in san francisco (circa 1994-ish). they used to include recipes in the pg&e bill - don't ask me why - and the cranberry orange bread was the bomb. i lost it about ten years ago after many happy years of yumminess. curses! i found a a recipe that is almost the same. the first loaf was good, close but no cigar. i am going to tinker with the recipe and see what happens. i am also going to sand out and stain the minor scratches on my new-to-me mission style furniture. it's so pretty!!! i found a leather upholstered couch, chair and ottoman as well as a coffee table and side table on craig's list that we picked up for $550; a total deal. this is really nice furniture... solid wood and heavy as hell (not that i moved any of it! drew wouldn't let me on account of the gimpy back.) the chair alone would cost more than we paid for all of it and best of all, it will not trap cat and dog fuzz like the old couch did. while i'm sorry to see the old couch go, because i loved the style, i am not sorry to leave the slowly falling apart, fuzz embedded part behind.

and after that, who knows? it's a sunny, mild saturday and there is nowhere i have be at any given time... just a beautiful day stretching out before me, full of possibilities.

the long hiatus is over

almost a year seemed as good enough a reason as any to jump-start ye olde blog. if anyone out there might still care, that is.

life in california is treating me well, i am happy to report, though our cats are going to put us in the poorhouse. chiana has had vet bills out the wazoo lately due to what the vets euphemistically refer to as a "grooming accident" (my fault and yes, i am a terrible cat mom). of course it was after 10 pm so we had to go to the ER vet. now it seems tommy has some sort of infected bite on his face so we're going to the vet tomorrow. he and herbie were mixing it up the other day and neither escaped unscathed. the only silver lining to all the carnage is our aspca pet insurance. chiana's reimbursed bills this year alone (from the aforementioned incident as well as a sick-puking-episode) covered all of this year's cat policies (three), and who knows? maybe tommy's visit will pay for the dog's. the pet insurance itself is okay. i'd be happier about it but like any other insurance company they kind of suck. they discount amounts that they determine are "above usual rates" and then only reimburse 80% of what's left, to work out to a 55 - 65% reimbursement rate. it's still better than a zero reimbursement rate, but it's annoying.

there really isn't much else going on since we are pretty boring which, as i've said before, makes for bad stories but good living. it's not even halloween and i am already looking forward to thanksgiving and christmas! i got the latest williams-sonoma catalogue and was drooling over it like a pervert at a peep show. i am jonesing for their new roast pan but, sheesh! $280? is that really necessary? drew of course said "get it!" since he likes to encourage anything cooking-related and just likes spoiling me, but i cannot part with that much cash, even for all-clad. i am going to check it out at the store and compare the two sizes, then look on ebay.

i am also really excited about christmas, which is a change from last year. this year we're staying home, which means putting up a tree, decorating, watching christmas specials, listening to my charlie brown christmas cd, and setting up my fontanini nativity which i love in an almost co-dependent way. my friend sara calls it the club med nativity on account of the palm tree. i'd love to buy a few more pieces but i don't think i can indulge that whim this year, either. we have a few extra lambs and the shepherd carrying the lamb over his shoulders. i always loved that one as a kid.
and baking with my sister is another christmas festivity i am happily anticipating. we did the uber bake-a-thon last year, a good 12 hours of christmas cookie baking and decorating, last year. we decided we'd have to spread it over two days next time and that being the case i am going to make the mini panetonne from my martha stewart living christmas cookbook! i have been threatening to for several years but this year i'm doing it.

so, with christmas dreams and plans and roast pans on my mind, i bid you adieu. for now.

not quite in the christmas spirit

seeing as how i'm going home for Christmas next week you'd think i'd be bouncing off the walls happy and excited, and i am excited, but i am also gripped by a very big case of the blahs. i am kind of bummed out. i am tired. i am missing jame. i am not quite getting enough sleep, but enough so that i'm not exhausted, just a little tired. i am bored silly at work, which this time of year isn't surprising; it's super slow. it'll pick up again later. i tweaked my back in pilates class about three weeks ago and i am still not back to normal. close, but not quite 100% back, which really fucked up my ability to get the things done at home that i need to before we leave. at this point i'm about two weeks behind, easy. i have so much to get done before we leave and i get home in the evening and all those things i was going to do are just too much and i get some of it done but not enough. i kind of like having a t.v. and i also kind of wish we didn't, which will never happen so long as i'm married to mr. r. all i really want to do is stay home, sleep in, do some laundry and clean my house. oh, and never have to work again. i guess i'm just really ready to be on vacation next week, to be home.

that's another thing... this whole home concept. i was at my sister's the other night and called pittsburgh home, and one of the women there said it was only home if you'd move back and would i? and i said yes, in a heartbeat. so that leaves me in a weird place because i can't move back in a heartbeat since my husband, in addition to being allergic to the town i love so well, also finds the career prospects there exceptionally limited compared to here. which isn't a fair comparison, since ALL career prospects are limited compared to here, but you can afford to live in places like pittsburgh whereas here it's just scraping by. that's the really fucked up thing about the bay area and why i didn't want to move back here. you can make what anywhere else is a lot of money, 100, 125, 150k and still just be scraping by. and if you've never lived here it's impossible to understand. my dad hears how much we make and i know he doesn't get why we aren't rolling in dough. the rents are outrageous - we pay almost three times the rent of our last place in pgh for a third of space, and if we were still there we'd have bought a house by now. if we're lucky we can do that here in like, oh, five or six years. health care costs are more, energy prices are more... all of it is more except the wages, which are marginally more, but nowhere near enough more to compensate for the cost of living. haven't even been here two years and i'm already getting that "living in california exhausts me" feeling. fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

i hate feeling like charlie brown at christmastime. i am looking forward to making christmas cookies with my sister but apart from that, everything else that i need to do is just way to much fucking work with way too little motivation. i don't know... i am excited about making cookies. maybe there's hope for me yet.

i have totally fallen down on the blogging front. thanksgiving was great but no pictures this year, not a one. i tweaked my side/hip on my left side and now i am freaked out that i hurt my back again, since it's aching there, too. i seriously doubt that this is the case, but i can still worry about it incessantly. majorly unmotivated to do anything but loaf... ugh. thank god we're going to pgh on the 17th for almost three weeks of r&r!