i have spent the weekend being supremely bummed out about jamie. fuck, but everything they say (you know, that undefinable "they" that we all refer to), about anniversaries is true. all the sadness and missing comes right up to the surface and it just sucks, sucks, sucks. it's different from other times when i talk about him, when it's not sad at all, because i'm remembering him, and it helps keep his memory alive. it's fun, even, though other people don't necessarily get that. beth and i had a talk about this just the other week. one of the few times i've been really glad i missed someone's call, because the message she left was just lovely.

but i digress. i had a long, well, not long, but a talk with jame today, while i was cleaning my bedroom. just sat on the bed and took five, and told him how much i miss him. and i do. it was one thing to hang out with him when he was sick, knowing he was going to die even though he was in complete denial about it. death wasn't an option so far as he was concerned, and who can blame him? it's quite another to live with him being dead, knowing that every real conversation i'll ever have with jamie bevilacqua has already happened. there won't be any more. i know it's true and yet i just can't wrap my head around it. it just seems so impossible.

at my wedding reception jamie's mom was really bummed out. not that i knew it from talking to her. she's way too thoughtful for that. beth told me, and even though it hadn't occurred to me (duh) i realized it was true. i remember talking with her at the reception, making sure to go see her, holding her hand, and she said to me "he's here." and if he was going to be anywhere that day my wedding reception would have been it. jamie loved a good party, especially if it was celebrating the happiness of someone he loved, but i just couldn't feel it. i couldn't feel anything that might give me an indication that jamie's spirit was with us, or me, ever, since he's died. i've had a dream or two... saying goodbye dreams, that kind of stuff. in fact, i had one that was so real that it woke me up and then i got up to pee and it took me about five minutes to figure out that yes, jamie really had died. i was so confused waking up from that dream that i thought he was still at his mom's house, sick, but still with us. but i have to honestly say that i've never felt his presence, ever, not once since he died. i've only felt the brutal, non-negotiable absence.