not quite in the christmas spirit

seeing as how i'm going home for Christmas next week you'd think i'd be bouncing off the walls happy and excited, and i am excited, but i am also gripped by a very big case of the blahs. i am kind of bummed out. i am tired. i am missing jame. i am not quite getting enough sleep, but enough so that i'm not exhausted, just a little tired. i am bored silly at work, which this time of year isn't surprising; it's super slow. it'll pick up again later. i tweaked my back in pilates class about three weeks ago and i am still not back to normal. close, but not quite 100% back, which really fucked up my ability to get the things done at home that i need to before we leave. at this point i'm about two weeks behind, easy. i have so much to get done before we leave and i get home in the evening and all those things i was going to do are just too much and i get some of it done but not enough. i kind of like having a t.v. and i also kind of wish we didn't, which will never happen so long as i'm married to mr. r. all i really want to do is stay home, sleep in, do some laundry and clean my house. oh, and never have to work again. i guess i'm just really ready to be on vacation next week, to be home.

that's another thing... this whole home concept. i was at my sister's the other night and called pittsburgh home, and one of the women there said it was only home if you'd move back and would i? and i said yes, in a heartbeat. so that leaves me in a weird place because i can't move back in a heartbeat since my husband, in addition to being allergic to the town i love so well, also finds the career prospects there exceptionally limited compared to here. which isn't a fair comparison, since ALL career prospects are limited compared to here, but you can afford to live in places like pittsburgh whereas here it's just scraping by. that's the really fucked up thing about the bay area and why i didn't want to move back here. you can make what anywhere else is a lot of money, 100, 125, 150k and still just be scraping by. and if you've never lived here it's impossible to understand. my dad hears how much we make and i know he doesn't get why we aren't rolling in dough. the rents are outrageous - we pay almost three times the rent of our last place in pgh for a third of space, and if we were still there we'd have bought a house by now. if we're lucky we can do that here in like, oh, five or six years. health care costs are more, energy prices are more... all of it is more except the wages, which are marginally more, but nowhere near enough more to compensate for the cost of living. haven't even been here two years and i'm already getting that "living in california exhausts me" feeling. fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

i hate feeling like charlie brown at christmastime. i am looking forward to making christmas cookies with my sister but apart from that, everything else that i need to do is just way to much fucking work with way too little motivation. i don't know... i am excited about making cookies. maybe there's hope for me yet.