not quite in the christmas spirit

seeing as how i'm going home for Christmas next week you'd think i'd be bouncing off the walls happy and excited, and i am excited, but i am also gripped by a very big case of the blahs. i am kind of bummed out. i am tired. i am missing jame. i am not quite getting enough sleep, but enough so that i'm not exhausted, just a little tired. i am bored silly at work, which this time of year isn't surprising; it's super slow. it'll pick up again later. i tweaked my back in pilates class about three weeks ago and i am still not back to normal. close, but not quite 100% back, which really fucked up my ability to get the things done at home that i need to before we leave. at this point i'm about two weeks behind, easy. i have so much to get done before we leave and i get home in the evening and all those things i was going to do are just too much and i get some of it done but not enough. i kind of like having a t.v. and i also kind of wish we didn't, which will never happen so long as i'm married to mr. r. all i really want to do is stay home, sleep in, do some laundry and clean my house. oh, and never have to work again. i guess i'm just really ready to be on vacation next week, to be home.

that's another thing... this whole home concept. i was at my sister's the other night and called pittsburgh home, and one of the women there said it was only home if you'd move back and would i? and i said yes, in a heartbeat. so that leaves me in a weird place because i can't move back in a heartbeat since my husband, in addition to being allergic to the town i love so well, also finds the career prospects there exceptionally limited compared to here. which isn't a fair comparison, since ALL career prospects are limited compared to here, but you can afford to live in places like pittsburgh whereas here it's just scraping by. that's the really fucked up thing about the bay area and why i didn't want to move back here. you can make what anywhere else is a lot of money, 100, 125, 150k and still just be scraping by. and if you've never lived here it's impossible to understand. my dad hears how much we make and i know he doesn't get why we aren't rolling in dough. the rents are outrageous - we pay almost three times the rent of our last place in pgh for a third of space, and if we were still there we'd have bought a house by now. if we're lucky we can do that here in like, oh, five or six years. health care costs are more, energy prices are more... all of it is more except the wages, which are marginally more, but nowhere near enough more to compensate for the cost of living. haven't even been here two years and i'm already getting that "living in california exhausts me" feeling. fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

i hate feeling like charlie brown at christmastime. i am looking forward to making christmas cookies with my sister but apart from that, everything else that i need to do is just way to much fucking work with way too little motivation. i don't know... i am excited about making cookies. maybe there's hope for me yet.

i have totally fallen down on the blogging front. thanksgiving was great but no pictures this year, not a one. i tweaked my side/hip on my left side and now i am freaked out that i hurt my back again, since it's aching there, too. i seriously doubt that this is the case, but i can still worry about it incessantly. majorly unmotivated to do anything but loaf... ugh. thank god we're going to pgh on the 17th for almost three weeks of r&r!

brave little kitten

i know i am only the tenth zillion person to post about this on their blog today but i just had to post this video of this sweet little kitten who survived a horrific attack by teenagers who were kicking him around like a ball. can't even wrap my head around that; just reading the words hurts my heart. the video doesn't show the attack, just the cute little fuzz ball and the vet who did the surgery to save him. i literally looked at the link on the ccn site for like three minutes, trying to decide if i should watch it, and then i did a search and read someone's comments on a blog which indicated there was nothing more horrific (as if it were necessary) than the poor little creature after his surgery, which saved him at the expense of his leg.



sigh..........

and you know what? i don't even care what led these particular kids to do this, because by the time they're horrifically abusing animals like they did this one it's too late for them. they had some sort of fucked up things done to them, or witnessed by them, and now they have no empathy for other creatures and have embarked on a life of abusing others, human or not human. some of them will even grow up to be serial murderers of humans, which is why it's so important to treat animal abuse and cruelty like the crime that it is. find them and throw the book at them, contain them as best as can be done, because there's no way to save them. that i know of, anyway, and i'm by no means an expert on everything (even though my husband might think that i sometimes think i am!) perhaps i am being a bit too bleak, but it's hard to imagine how it's possible to rehabilitate anyone so callous and cruel that they would kick a kitten, never mind injure it so gravely that it loses its leg.

yet it's so very easy to admire the little kitten... curious and playful and looking to explore things. a terrible start i wouldn't wish on any creature, and he'll end up in a very good home with people who really love animals and will really love him. first thing when i get home (after feeding the cats their nummies - delays make herbie frantic), i am going home to pet and fuss over and be thankful for my furry little babies even more than usual.

Obama - Yes!!!!

YES!!!!
YES!!!!
YES!!!!

i completely stole that from an email from my brother, patrick, who lives just outside of amsterdam with his family. it completely sums up how i feel and if i'm going to capitalize anything on this little blog, the end of the reign of darkness we have fallen under qualifies more than anything else. whew!!!! seriously... i am so happy, so excited, so completely fucking RELIEVED!!!! i didn't know it was possible to be so relieved!!! about half way through obama's speech last night i started crying and just couldn't stop. 90% of it was sheer relief that, as gerald ford once said about completely different circumstances, our long national nightmare is finally over. i just didn't know how we could make it through another four years if mccain won and now i don't have to.

i am still kind of in shock. we have a black president - woo hoo!!!! this country will never be the same in ways that can only be great, wonderful, positive and thrilling! i never thought it would happen in my lifetime and i have never been happier to be proved wrong. i am so proud of this american experiment in a way i cannot even express, and i think of all the little kids who will grow up thinking that having a black president it totally normal, when everything in our history says otherwise. what an historic occasion, an historic paradigm shift. i love that these kids will think "why shouldn't the president be a black person? or a woman? or both?" it's just the first step towards finally starting to heal our country but what a first step!

drew and i were talking after he got home with the champagne - buying it beforehand was just too jinxy - while watching obama's speech and agreed that it felt so great to hear someone telling us we were going to have to sacrifice and work hard to restore our country, our world, instead of telling us to go shopping. what could be more crass, really, than telling a traumatized country to go hit the mall? but that's just what bush did. i distinctly remember reading how the president and first lady went to dinner at a mexican restaurant to let the country know things were "back to normal" when they were anything but and we were only just starting to tumble down the rabbit hole. i remember thinking "what the fuck do they mean back to normal?" it made my head hurt then and it still does now. i know that i am hungry for leadership that i can believe in, that restores hope to all of us, and i think obama can do it. as drew said last night, i am eating my words, even about the fisa vote (but man, he better fucking fix it pronto.) i think our country is so fucking starved for real leadership and is so worn out from the bullying, greed and neglect that bush tried to pass off as one and the same. i truly am more hopeful at this moment in history than any other... about my country, its founding ideals and principles which i truly and deeply cherish, and our place in the community of nations.

so say we all.

vote!!!!

this is it, folks. if you haven't voted early, get thee to the polls tomorrow and VOTE FOR OBAMA! i didn't think it was possible that there could be a more important, more nerve wracking election than 2004, but this is it. it's not just who is going to president, but which direction our country will take. our democracy is seriously imperiled and it seriously frightens me what could happen if obama doesn't win.

so go vote! as cesar chavez used to say, we're gonna pray a little and work a lot! let's do it!

like a love note from home...

anti-flag are up to their usual tricks... helping others, do-gooding, you know the routine. ;) if you are lucky enough to be in the vicinity they are holding a benefit show for the pittsburgh food bank on november 9th at mr. small's theater in millvale. there's a wee write up about it in the city paper, too. go enjoy the show for me, it's only $5! and don't forget your non-perishable food donation!!!!

i have been a terrible blogger this past two months... sorry to anyone who tried to read and has found the well dry. it hasn't been intentional, there's just been a lot going on.

i am cautiously optimistic about the election next tuesday. i found out that the usually utterly useless attorney general refused to investigate the voter registrations of 200,000 people in ohio, as that asshole in the whitehouse requested. shit, the guy is not only a lame duck, but has presided over one of the most incompetent, corrupt administrations ever, and he's STILL trying to steal elections. your time came and went, fuckhead. you stole your two elections unfair and unsquare, so how about leaving the cleaning up of your monumental clusterfuck to people who are actually interested in cleaning and can actually do it?

that said, i'm not counting on anything, mostly because the republicans are willing to do anything, including breaking the law, to get their way. i do think that the tide of discontent has turned so massively against them that their dirty tricks won't make enough of a difference, but i also have a history of supporting people and policies that, to my sensibility, are good, fair and sensible but leave pawns of the practitioners of the politics of resentment frothing at the mouth. it's really amazing to me how two people can see the same situation and come to such different conclusions. so, i suppose we shall see. drew and i are going to vote before work on tuesday, so we may be late if turnout is anything like they are predicting. i will then sport my "I Voted" sticker proudly (the stickers are one thing about california i missed and am happy to have again) and check the news like a madwoman for the rest of the day, praying all the while. i think it will be an even longer day than election day 2004, when i was a poll observer, and i was fucking TIRED by the end of that day. making that batch of sangria the night before was a very good idea... maybe i should do that again.

work has been busy, home has been chaotic. we got the last of drew's stuff out of trump's place two weekends ago, so for the first time in seven years drew has all his stuff in one place - our living room - and trump's house is all his own, which has left it a little bare but he doesn't seem to mind. i don't know how we did the commute from santa cruz for as long as we did. i guess you do what you have to do and you know that it sucks, but you don't fully appreciate just how much it sucked until you don't have to do it anymore. riding my bike to work is so much nicer, and i get to ring my bike bell, which always makes me happy! rainy season is starting so i don't know how much i'll get to do but i am enjoying it while it lasts. it only takes five minutes longer to ride my bike than to drive, and all that exercise!!!! :)

anyway, i'll leave it at that, and i'll try to be more consistent in the future.

priceless!

it's easy, sometimes, to think americans are idiots, stupid, gluttons for punishment or all three rolled into one. and then there are those other times when they pleasantly surprise, reminding one that the humor, ingenuity and color-outside-the-lines spirit of the american people is still alive and kicking. today that happy surprise was Rednecks for Obama. priceless.

check this out, it's brilliant. and kudos to the clever rednecks who started it all!

sorry to be missing in action; the moving thing has consumed my life. happily i can report that the house is 90% together. still a few boxes to be unpacked/moved out of the living room and lounge. the bedroom needs a bit of work... several "no where to put them just yet" boxes have been dumped there, and i need to find a home for all the crap on top of the buffet. mostly my crap, not drew's, i have to be fair. not ALL of the stuff in the way is his. he's done a tremendous job getting his computer stuff stowed and out of the way, i must say.

so the last bit of moving will be on sunday. hmmm... guess i better reserve a truck, huh? it's the stuff in trump's garage and then we'll be totally out of santa cruz. where we are going to put any of this stuff is anyone's guess, though i suppose the garage is where. too bad we don't have a nice, attached modern garage like at trump's place. we have an old, detached, vermin infested garage. i suppose old fashioned charm comes at a price, and ours is a funky garage. drew put out rat/mouse poison, so hopefully we will see some improvement there. die little ratties, die! having rats in california isn't quite the same as having them, say, in pgh, but it's still gross. with the climate being so mild rats live in palm (and presumably other) trees out here, so a place doesn't have to be dirty to get rats, just unattended. i'm guessing the people before us in our place either didn't use the garage much, or the rats made a remarkable comeback in the two months or so it was on the market for rent. at any rate, we are hoping a sustained poisoning campaign and tommy, rat family killer, will do the trick. don't worry... the kitties and zinger cannot get into the garage unless it's open and we're really on top of keeping them out when it is. that's the last thing we need, believe me.

how we did the commute from santa cruz for so long is beyond me. it seems so far and such a hassle away. on friday we went home, walked and fed the dog, made and ate dinner and were watching a movie (american treasure: book of secrets; fluffy and fun) when i realized it wasn't quite 9 pm. drew had this realization at pretty much the same time i did and we couldn't believe we'd done all that stuff and it was still so early. if we were still in santa cruz we'd have been maybe finishing up, more likely eating, dinner. this 15 minute commute is rocking! i miss the beach, but not enough to do that commute anymore. and eventually we'll normalize and heading to santa cruz for the weekend won't seem so laborious. we're both so tired right now that even the though makes me exhausted. thank God the moving is almost done! :)

next wednesday will be lovely, i am so looking forward to it. what happens next wednesday, you ask? NOTHING. a big fat nothing is happening. this weekend it's more unpacking crap, and then on monday and tuesday the two biggest events that we have here at work are happening. new faculty orientation on monday and the faculty recognition dinner on tuesday. don't let orientation fool you... there's the orientation from 1 - 6 p.m., followed by a reception, followed by dinner. it will be a long day, and me the little critter running around making it all go smoothly. tuesday is a little awards dinner for almost 300 people. again, i'm the little make it go smoothly gal. tons of planning goes into these things, so many thing to get finished, and it's almost done. as long as we have no glaring problems and no one gets food poisoning, it's all good. keep your fingers crossed. :)

perspective

ah... perspective. my great pal jack always says if people could gain just an inch of perspective outside their own view, they might just see where the other is coming from just enough that the world might be a more tolerant, compassionate place. he could be wrong, but it's always seemed reasonable to me.

anyway... i just got a big old dose of perspective from my wee brother's latest blog entry for blurt magazine. not sure if i mentioned this before, but after his fisa vote i literally could not think about voting for barack obama without feeling like i needed to throw up. truly. i am not making that up. i was so fucking angry i was spitting nails for weeks. again, no exaggeration, it was weeks. after several weeks of being just infuriated i realized that it was one thing to have bush and his evil cronies shoving all the horrible, evil shit down our throats whilst telling us it was for our own good when we knew full well it wasn't, but to have the person who's supposed to be the alternative doing it? and so crassly... just so he can say he was tough on terrorism? it was more than i could take. i decided i couldn't vote him, that i wouldn't vote for him, that he'd lost my vote when all he had to do was nothing so egregious that i'd feel like throwing up when i thought about voting for him. i'm not a purist by any means, i know it's all about compromise and dealing with facts on the ground. i just couldn't stomach it. literally.

but lately i've been thinking maybe i should take some dramamine and vote for obama because the alternative is just so horrible, as justin so eloquently said as he made his case for voting against godzilla-sized evil. i always liked godzilla and felt bad that they were trying to kill him. i mean, he's a monster, what else is he supposed to do but tramp all over tokyo and shoot his death ray? that's what monsters do.

but i digress... this is a race that shouldn't even be close. when 80% of the country says we're headed in the wrong direction, even with the "snatch defeat from the jaws of victory" d.n.c. running the show, it should be a cakewalk. but america is so incredibly racist, so it is. that's why the polls are so close. not because people don't know obama. that's code for "i'll never vote for a n*****." sorry to be crude, but it's true. there are lots of people who won't vote for him because he's black and has a funny name and they've never gone to snopes to check out if those ridiculous emails their cousin sends them are true, because they've never heard of snopes and basically have no critical thinking skills, but that's another post. but they'll never admit it. maybe to close family and friends, but i think the vast majority of white americans who won't vote for obama because he's black won't admit it - to anyone. they'll just say they don't know enough about him (he's black), or he's so vague (he's black), or whatever (he's black.) i hate feeling like i have to vote for someone i am not excited about (again), who wasn't the person i wanted in the first place (again), and who leaves me feeling queasy because there are too many stoopid, racist assholes out there. sometimes i wish we could just wish them all away somewhere and let them wallow in their own filthy mire while the rest of us go on and live in a nice, enlightened place. ah, to sleep! perchance to dream!

so i don't know... i guess i'll think about vote for obama, even though he's going to win california. even though i am still furious about his fisa vote. even though it makes me feel ill and i really am bone weary of voting for a candidate because they're not as bad as the other one. i think hillary would have had a much easier time getting elected, even though she's a woman, because she's a white woman. i wasn't so thrilled about her, either, but thank god my candidate of choice, john edwards, isn't the nominee. thank god he suffered from "just another white guy" syndrome when there were other more exciting, more historically significant people running. that's all we'd need... finding out the guy had an affair at this stage of the game. what a clusterfuck that would have been. i can't believe men are that fucking stupid, but apparently some are.

weddings, cousins, and chicago

a few pictures from our trip to chicago for drew's cousin nina's wedding. there'd be more except we managed to forget our camera in the heaps of unpacked crap at our new abode, but luckily these were sent to me today. i wish i could say it was entirely the disorganization of our house that made us fall down on the pictures front, but drew and i kind of suck when it comes to taking pictures. we're making an effort to be more on it, but this time we fell down on the job. i plan to take pictures of the heaps of crap to post later, if only to make myself feel better once it's all more organized; too bad we weren't more on it for the wedding.

we had a wonderful time, though! we didn't see a ton of chicago because there were a lot of dinners and brunches pre- and post-wedding, and we were really tired from the first part of the move. it was nice to just be a bit of a bum, which we heartily embraced. we stayed at the hotel knickerbocker, also site of the reception, which was quite nice and just a block from michigan avenue so we stimulated the economy a wee bit. we were just a few blocks from lake michigan so we took in the sights there as well. it's really beautiful.

the cousins, l-r: nina, drew, robyn & joe

kind of obvious who married into the family, isn't it? i'm the addition on the far right.

i've always thought drew resembled both his parents, but it was amazing to see him with his dad's side of family and realize just how much he looks like his dad/dad's family. drew and robyn look so much alike they could be siblings, with the likeness in features that i always associated with his mom (nose, mouth, cheeks), so i guess it just depends which crowd you're with for the similarities to emerge. hopefully we'll get some more pictures from those who were more on the ball in the camera department. more pictures or no, it was a wonderful wedding, and it was so great to meet his cousins and see john & bobbie (their parents) again. we're planning (just in the thinking stages) of going to visit properly sometime in the fall or spring, when it's not so hot and humid there (humid wreaks havoc with my hunny bunny). we can hang out with the family in wheaton for a few days when they aren't totally maxed out and then go into the city for a few days. that will be a fun trip.

unpacking

ugh. that is my foremost thought, my foremost reaction, as i contemplate the piles and stacks of things that need to be unpacked. how did we ever manage to accumulate so much crap? it boggles the mind. i couldn't believe what came out of our storage space. i swear to god that those boxes had babies - there's so much stuff!!! i plan to use unpacking as a good time to whittle down and sell or donate things we don't use or don't need because there's definately enough of it! i thought i did an alright job with paring down before we left but i can see that i could have done better. and to think we paid to move stuff i plan to get rid of - ouch. live and learn really stinks sometimes.

on a more chipper note, we are going to chicago this weekend for a wedding and i am really looking forward to it! it's kind of sad when you feel like you have to leave town to get a break from all the moving stuff, but that's how i feel and i'm really looking forward to waking up in the hotel and being absolutely unable to do anything related to moving. what a delicious feeling that will be!

do you know the way to san jose?

for your viewing pleasure, a few pictures of the new abode. we are doing our first phase of moving this weekend - pray for us!!!















the living room (with and without zinger):






























the tiny dining room:




















the equally tiny kitchen:





















the lounge (note wood burning stove through door):











the deck:















that's it for now. it's a blur of packing and getting ready. i often get sick after moving, so let's hope that doesn't happen this time!

argh!!!!

can you say holy stressed out, batman? my mind is literally swimming with all the things i need to do for our impending move. change our address with the post office, friends and family, doctors and dentist, bills and magazines, register to vote, start service for utilities, rent the trucks for moving, line up help (have had a good response there, so far and thank God!), find a new mechanic, hair stylist, vet, and get tommy micro-chipped before we move. there's got to be lots more that i am forgetting, i am sure. the list goes on and on and on. my brain hurts.

that said, moving into a really nice place in a really nice neighborhood ten minutes away from work is indeed a quality problem. as my brother once said, it's not like i'm looking for a better cardboard box to spend the night in, so yes, it's stressful, but i realize it could be worse. i originally thought moving over two weekends would be good, and it may end up being so, who knows? but i'm starting to wonder. we're going to a wedding in chicago the weekend after this so we're mostly moving this weekend and finishing up the last weekend of the month. on the one hand it seems pretty helpful, a we've-got-so-much-time-don't-have-to-be-frantic kind of thing. and we don't have to be frantic insofar as moving out of our current accommodations since no one is moving in after us, and that's good because my honey has so much stuff at jimbo's it's not funny. he's gonna need months to move it all. but the downside of no pressure to be completely out is the move that never ends. i really don't want that move. i want to move, spend three weeks unpacking and organizing and then be DONE! no more moving for several years - at least. well, i guess i can shoot for what i want and see what i end up with. it'll probably be something in the middle of the two extremes. just so long as it's not too much more than my three week ideal. i like being settled. like herbie, i fear change, even as i rush out to make it happen. herbie is an anxious little creature and that's why we get along so well - i can relate! my anxiety just kicks into uber high gear when this kind of stuff is on the agenda.

well, worst case scenario i can always drink! not a long-term solution, i know, but a few strategic bottles of wine will probably work wonders. :)

home sweet home

so after all that whining about an anticipated interminably endless search for a place that would turn out to only do, not be something we really like, it turns out drew and i got the first place we looked at (of a whopping two), and we really love it! as of august 15th we'll be the proud tenants of a charming two bedroom house in the willow glen neighborhood of san jose. i don't have any pictures to post yet, but we are very, very, happy and so relieved!!! you have no idea. i've never had house hunt go so quickly or smoothly. willow glen is a great neighborhood, eminently walkable, and so convenient to work. goodbye getting home at 7:30 p.m.! adios highway 17 daily commute - won't miss ya! we're so close i'll be able to ride my bike to work. how's that for reducing my carbon footprint? not to mention my ass, which is as big as it's ever been, but that's another story.

so, the house... well, it's a two bedroom, as i already said. you enter directly into the living room which extends on the left from the front door. on the right hand side wall by the door is a huge, built in bookcase that is almost the entire length of the wall. can you say totally rocks???!!!! there's also a decorative fireplace and windows, nice light and so on. walking towards the back of the house the next room is a very small but distinct dining room. i like having an actual dining room even if it's little; next is the kitchen. the kitchen is quite small but it seems like it'll be functional. it's a good layout and very pretty... granite counter tops, newer stainless appliances (gas stove!), new cabinets and for a small kitchen a surprising amount of counter space, partially because the kitchen opens onto a family room; the two rooms are separated by a step and a counter, as in more counter space. oh, wait, i misspoke, it's not the family room it's the lounge. drew doesn't want to call it a family room, so that's fine, lounge it is. the lounge has a wood burning stove and french doors that open onto a really nice deck, and then there's a big yard for little zing zing. the living and dining rooms and lounge all have hardwood floors, the kitchen is tile. just before you go into the dining room (at the end of that built in bookcase) is a little hall on the right; straight is the bathroom and then there's a bedroom to the right (front) and left (back), plus a nice hall linen closet. i can't remember about the hall but the bedrooms are carpet, but it's pretty nice for carpet. it's not that standard "rental" carpet, which is nice if we have to tolerate carpeting. i just don't get carpet, carpet = dust collector, but whatever. there's a one car garage, a nook by the back door/kitchen for the laundry (hook ups), and in the yard is a free-standing one room building, like an office, so for a little house it feels like there is a lot of space. it's not cheap, but nothing here is, and for that neighborhood we got a deal - so score one for ar²! woo hoo!!!

after drew's chiropractor appointment tonight we're going to look at washers and dryers, stackable front-loaders... i feel so chic! ; ) nothing like buying major appliances to celebrate, i guess. still, sears is having a great sale so we should be able to get a good deal - and they have free delivery, too. and then it'll be a whirl of packing and moving stuff, and then it's christmas in august because our stuff has been in storage for a year and a half so it'll be like it's all new again. can't wait to have our own stuff again!

thank you to all of you, because those positive vibes, prayers, and thoughts clearly paid off big time.

there are times when i'd rather be in pittsburgh even more than usual. since we just started looking for a place to rent, just sticking our toe in the water without really planning to move before september at the earliest, this is definitely one of those times. it's more than just having to sift through all the listings and the prospect of spending lots of our preciously little free time looking at crummy places until we find a good one. it's the prospect of sifting through all the listings and spending lots of our preciously little free time looking at the exorbitantly priced crummy places until we find an even more exorbitantly priced place that will do. not a place that we'll love, just a place that will do, because something we'd love would be silly expensive.

welcome to the bay area rental market.

we need a place that's at least two bedrooms, because drew (well, we) needs an office. ideally we would like to rent a house with a yard so that little dog will have somewhere to frolic. and we need (and this really is need given the commute we've been doing) a place within thirty minutes of work. that'll be at least two grand, thank you very much, unless the heavens take pity on us and we happen across some little old lady who's renting her place severely under market rate because it's been paid off for thirty years and she wants to help a young couple out. townhouses are also in the same range, and for a two bedroom apartment low end might be $1650, but an apartment would be really difficult because they're so darn small and they're more restrictive towards pets. the rent for our three bedroom, two bath, all hardwood floors flat in highland park was $800, and that was more than some people's mortgage payments. it's easy to get despondent, i suppose, especially if you'd like to own a house before turning 50, but i refuse to let it get me down. at least we aren't looking under a deadline of needing to move by a certain date. that's usually how the new place search is conducted in these parts because who can afford to pay even part of the rent for two places at once? moving under a deadline adds an extra layer of hysteria to and already completely insane process in such a tight rental market. i am not looking forward to open houses with 30 other shelter-seekers, landlords who want a resume for you pet, and tying up thousands of dollars in deposits, but it is what it is.

wish us luck, say some prayers (st. joseph is the patron saint of house hunters), and i'll keep you posted. oh, and donations are accepted, too! :)

it seems that barack obama is that guy. i supported john edwards for president and while i still think he was a better candidate than hillary or obama, i was prepared to vote for obama in november, support the party and all that, and send a little dinero his way as well. that was before his FISA amendments act vote last week. i can't remember the last time i was as pissed off about anyone's vote as i am about his. i don't even know if i'll vote for president at all, and believe me, i can't believe i am even contemplating such a thing. i remember gerald ford being sworn in as president and i couldn't have been more than four years old, that's how into politics my family is. i remember carter running for president and how exciting it was; i was in 2nd grade. i've always exhorted people to vote, if for no other reason than so many people in other countries can't or risk their lives to do so, but i just don't think i can stomach any more. it was one thing when it was bush and his cronies ramming this sort of shit down our throats (with the help of many cowed and useless democrats, lest we forget) but to have the candidate for my party, the candidate who's supposed to be the alternative to bush and his corrupt administration, shoving this shit down my throat? i really think that was the last straw for me, on top of the complete disregard for the Constitution and the principles and ideals that this country is founded on. maybe i'm a bit naive, but i take that stuff very seriously. it's very important to me that the Constitution and Bill of Rights be defended and exercised. rights are no good when you can't use them, and laws don't mean anything when they don't apply to everyone. when i think of voting for someone who went from "i'll filibuster this bill" to "it's flawed but trust me... i'll fix it later," especially after blasting hillary for making the politically expedient choice with her yes vote to authorize this fricking war in the first place, it literally makes me feel queasy and sick. i so sick and tired of being given the choice between this pile of shit and that pile of shit. i am royally fed up and disheartened. i honestly don't recognize this country i'm living in anymore.

obama didn't get where he is by pandering to the religious conservatives who won’t support him come november, or wearing american flag lapel pins, or reversing his stance on public campaign financing, or supporting this clusterfuck of a war, or supporting illegal spying on law-abiding americans and giving the companies who helped the government do it a free pass. i don't really care about the telecoms being held responsible per se (though they should be), but now that they're off the hook the lawsuits against them, which were the only chance to find out the scope and severity of the spying, are moot.

the problem, well one of them, with the democratic party imho is that they take the vote of liberal democrats and progressives for granted. in their political calculus, who else could we possibly vote for? certainly not john mccain, so no matter what they do, they have our vote. i for one am sick of being taken for granted. i certainly won’t be voting for john mccain in november but i don’t think i'll be voting for obama, either. he's done nothing to earn my vote and has, with his “yes” vote on the FISA, betrayed the very foundation and principles upon which this country is based. i don’t believe him when he says he'll fix this law if he’s elected president, and if it was so flawed why would he vote for it except for political expediency? why should i believe anything coming out of his mouth when, once he's got the nomination sewn up, he reverses himself on such important issues? i'm not a totally naive idiot... i know politicians pander and change their tune depending on which way the wind is blowing. i'm just tired of participating in it (don't worry, i'll still vote for other races in november for sure.) obama has shown me that he's exactly what he said you wasn't: more of the same old politics as usual. i never believed him when he talked about rising above it all - that's just not reality when it comes to politics - but he's gone and confirmed it in about the worst way possible from where i stand.

and it's not that i don't think having a black president would a paradigm shifting event for our country; it would. things would never be the same, and that's a good thing, a great thing! i just can't stomach voting for someone who's already shown that he won't preserve and defend the Constitution of the united states. i just can't.

drew and i decided the money we were going to give to obama is going to the aclu instead. they'll do something we support with it. at least we didn’t waste any money on obama.

sometimes i forget...

sometimes i forget just how much of a pittsburgh girl i am. last night there was a really great episode of the american experience about roberto clemente. my parents, especially my dad, really admired clemente and while i wasn't old enough to remember his tragic death it was always obvious to me that both my parents felt the world lost a great person far too soon. i went out to tell drew how i'd taped it for him, and that i was going to burn a copy for my sister who i recently found out had love clemente as a kid, when he looks at me blankly and asks "who's roberto clemente?" the only thing i could say in reply was "i can't believe you. first franco harris and now roberto clemente?" drew hadn't known who franco was, despite rooting for the steelers as a kid, and when that came to light i said something along the lines of "you don't know who franco harris is? one of the greatest running backs of all time?!?!?!?!" i just took it for granted that if you were familiar with the 70s steelers you'd know who franco was, and that everyone knew who roberto clemente was. guess i was wrong.

i am really missing home. it's been far too long since i've visited (thank you stupid herniated disc for screwing up my trip in march) and it feels like christmas, when we're planning to visit, might as well be forever away from now. i suppose i'll snap out of it but right now i feel generally friendless, and i have so many friends in the 'burgh i could call up. i haven't really had the opportunity to make any new friends here, thanks to the soul and time sucking commute, so it gets kind of lonesome. thankfully we won't have this commute forever, but still....

the best blueberry pie in the world

if, like me, you are a blueberry buying fiend who buys entirely too many pints at a time now that they are in season, you're probably looking for ways to use them before they get moldy in your fridge. if you ever thought about making a blueberry pie, i have the recipe for you! i've made it twice and it's been fantastic and has gotten tons of yummy endorsements. the recipe is from cook's illustrated magazine, one of the best cooking & baking magazines out there, in my humble opinion. my subscription is the best $20 i spend every year.

the directions for the crust seemed completely counter-intuitive to me as i'd never seen anything like it when it came to how to add the liquid, not to mention the use of vodka. i decided to just trust the recipe, which was one of the smarter things i've ever done. just do it like they say to and your crust will be magnificent! do not substitude water for the vodka (it uses some of both) because it's essential to the texture of the crust and you can't taste it since it cooks off. they don't say how it's essential, but i think it has something to do with the rate at which the vodka evaporates out of the crust being different than that of the water. whatever it is, i abandonded the martha stewart pate brise pie crust recipe that i've used exclusively for the past ten years without a second thought. this is seriously the best and easiest pie crust i've ever made. i did make one change to the crust re: assembly. they say not to make a lattice, and just cut some holes in the crust with a cookie or biscuit cutter, but being a purist when it comes to fruit pies i couldn't even consider such blasphemy. it has to be a lattice, end of story, so i did change the assembly step for the top crust. you'll notice the picture has their heretical top crust... pay it no attention and make a lattice. it's the only way to stay in right relationship with the fruit pie goddess.

tips and ruminations: both times i made this pie i found that when it comes time to turn down the oven that the edges of the crust have browned sufficiently, so cover them with foil so they don't burn. i didn't measure the lemon zest or juice, either. i used a small lemon so i just used it all. if you don't have a rasp grater, get one. they make zesting a breeze and you'll wonder how you ever got along without one. they're also unbeatable for grating fresh ginger. i used a mortal and pestle to grind up the tapioca, but it didn't seem to do much to it, so the next time i didn't bother with grinding and the pie worked out just fine. just make sure you use instant tapioca like the recipe calls for. c.i. says you can use frozen blueberries, so if you have a jones for blueberry pie in january you don't have to wait six months to satify it. we had people over tonight so i made the pie again (two times in two days) and added a pinch of nutmeg and a 1/4 teaspoon allspice and it was even better than before. i saw the allspice/nutmeg thing in another c.i. blueberry pie recipe. i put an asterik next to them in the recipe below as it's my addition but i highly recommend it. it's divine.

so... without further ado, the best blueberry pie!

Best Blueberry Pie - from Cook's Illustrated July/August 2008

Foolproof Pie Dough

2 1/2 cups (12 1/2 ounces) unbleached all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon table salt
2 tablespoons sugar
12 tablespoons (1 1/2 sticks) cold unsalted butter, cut into 1/4-inch slices
1/2 cup cold vegetable shortening, cut into 4 pieces
1/4 cup cold vodka (do not substiute)
1/4 cup cold water

Blueberry Filling

6 cups fresh blueberries
1 Granny Smith apple, peeled and grated on large holes of box grater
2 teaspoons grated zest and 2 teaspoons juice from 1 lemon
3/4 cup sugar
2 tablespoons instant tapioca, ground
Pinch table salt
2 tablespoons unsalted better, cut into 1/4-inch pieces
1 large egg, lightly beaten with 1 teaspoon water

* 1/4 teaspoon allspice

* pinch of nutmeg

1. FOR THE PIE DOUGH: Process 1 1/2 cups flour, salt, and sugar in food processor until combined, about 2 one-second pulses. Add butter and shortening and process until homogeneous dough just starts to collect in uneven clumps, about 15 seconds (dough will resemble cottage cheese curds and there should be no uncoated flour). Scrape bowl with rubber spatula and redistribute dough evenly around processor blade. Add remaining cup flour and pulse until mixture is evenly distributed around bowl and mass of dough has been broken up, 4 to 6 quick pulses. Empty mixture into medium bowl.

2. Sprinkle vodka and water over mixture. With rubber spatula, use folding motion to mix, pressing down on dough until dough is slightly tacky and sticks together. Divide dough into two even balls and flatten each into 4-inch disk. Wrap each in plastic wrap and refrigerate at least 45 minutes or up to 2 days.

3. Remove 1 disk of dough from the refrigerator and roll on generously floured (up to 1/4 cup) work surface to 12-inch circle, about 1/8 inch think. Roll dough loosely and rolling pin and unroll into pie plate, leaving at least 1-inch overhang on each side. Working around circumference, ease dough into plate by gently lifting edge of dough with one hand while pressing into plate bottom with other hand. Leave dough that overhangs plate in place; refrigerate while preparing filling until dough is firm, about 30 minutes.

4. FOR THE FILLING: Adjust oven rack to lowest position, place rimmed baking sheet on oven rack and heat oven to 400 degrees. Place 3 cups berries in medium saucepan and set over medium heat. Using potato masher, mash berries several times to release juices. Continue to cook, stirring frequently and mashing occasionally, until about half of berries have broken down and mixture is thickened and reduced to 1 1/2 cups, about 8 minutes. Let cool slightly.

5. Place grated apple in clean kitchen towel and wring dry. Transfer apple to large bowl. Add cooked berries, remaining 3 cups uncooked berries, lemon zest, juice, sugar, tapioca, and salt; toss to combine. Transfer mixture to dough-lined pie plate and scatter butter pieces over filling.

6. Roll out second disk of dough on generously floured (up to 1/4 cup) work surface to 11-inch circle, about 1/8 inch thick. Using a sharp knife, cut 1/2 - 1 inch strips, depending on width desired. Work in a lattice pattern, leave at least 1/2 inch overhang on all sides.

7. Using kitchen shears, trim bottom layer of overhanging dough, leaving 1/2-inch overhang. Fold dough under itself so that edge of fold is flush with outer rim of pie plate. Flute edges using thumb and forefinger or press with times of fork to seal. Brush top and edges of pie with egg mixture. If dough is very soft, chill in freezer for 10 minutes.

8. Place pie on heating baking sheet and bake 30 minutes at 400 degrees. Reduce oven temperature to 350 degrees and continue to bake until juice bubbles and crust is deep golden brown, 30 to 40 minutes longer. Transfer pie to wire rack; cool to room temperature, at least 4 hours. Cut into wedges and serve.

you can also eat it warm with ice cream, it'll just be runny, but it's worth it. :)

their system doesn't work for you

justin sane is writing a blog for blurt magazine, so check it out and leave a comment or two if you have something to say. scroll down and you'll see the blogs on the right hand side of the screen. i could have done a direct link but i wasn't familiar with blurt so i thought some of you might want to check it out, too.

the late, great george carlin

we lost a great comedian and great american recently, none other than george carlin. here's a brilliant piece about him from the nation magazine blog that explains not only why he was such a good comedian, but also such a influential person.

rest in peace, george. a lot of us will miss you.

go amir, go!!!!

for those of you who have no idea who the heck amir is, he's this year's ultimate fighter!!! and woo hoo hooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! amir was by far my favorite guy on the show and is a total class act. very funny, very unassuming, lots of self-deprecating humor, just a very likable guy who i was rooting for from the beginninng! yes, we're back in the land of mixed martial arts (mma), my newest passion.

for the uninitiated, the ultimate fighter is a reality television show (this was the 7th season) where mma athletes compete to be the last man standing (literally) at the end of the season. the teams are coached by current mma fighters, this year they were forrest griffin and quinten "rampage" jackson. the winner receives a contract with the ultimate fighting championship and they get fast tracked for a title fight. this year's winner is the dishy gentleman in the picture, amir sadollah.

i just have to say right here that forrest griffin and rampage jackson were really great. i've only seen the ultimate fighter 6, last season, and those coaches, matt hughes and matt serra, couldn't stand each other. they were really, really, really just tolerating each other, barely, so while that made for some drama it was also kind of, well, it was just kind of icky. made for crappy dynamics between the fighters in the house, and that kind of sucked, i thought. forrest and rampage were the complete opposite. they obviously like and have a great regard for one another, so the overall atmosphere this year was just so much better and so much more fun. they were also both very funny. rampage would say stuff sometimes that was completely obvious but the way he said it was so funny, and forrest would say what you were thinking but might not say. they were really great, forrest has a great talent for coaching which was impressive to see, and i can't wait to see their fight july 5th. it's gonna be wild!

back to the fight at hand! it was a really exciting fight, and the first re-match for the winner of the show, ever. amir had already defeated cb dolloway in the semi-final. both drew and i really disliked cb. he's a good fighter, i'll give him that, but he's also an arrogant, cocky, self-important jock and he really rubbed me the wrong way (and judging from the comments on a youtube video of one of amir's kickboxing matches, i wasn't the only one.) anyway, amir was supposed to fight a different guy, jesse taylor, but jesse got kicked off the show after it finished for some bad, drunken behavior. i felt really bad for him because jesse's basically a good kid. not the brightest bulb on the christmas tree, but not malicious and a seriously good fighter. we'll see him again, to be sure. to figure out who amir would fight they brought back the two guys who lost the semi-final matches and they fought each other. i liked cb's opponent in that match, tim credeur, so much better than cb. tim was another guy on the show we really liked, but it was so satisfying to watch amir kick cb's ass - again. using the same move, too! you'd think he'd have figured out he couldn't let himself get stuck in a standing arm bar, but he didn't.

the championship fight was on saturday but i didn't see it until last night because i was waiting for drew to get home from his trip to seattle so we could watch it together. i'd watched the last episode of the regular season, the amir v. cb semi-final fight, the night before. fuck, it was nerve wracking!!!! i was squealing and jumping around and almost biting my fingernails, and i quit biting my fingernails in third grade. it went almost the whole three rounds, too, but amir caught cb in an arm bar half way through the third round! it was an illuminating fight, because the rest of cb's fights during the show didn't go very long and he gassed by the end of the first round, which was but really wasn't kind of surprising, if one thinks about it. even more surprising was his inability to do much of anything once he had amir on the ground. he could take him down (which was frustrating) but he only passed his guard twice and for the amount of punches he was throwing very few actually connected. amir, meanwhile, was throwing very hard punches and great head kicks and his ability to defend himself when cb had him on the ground was really fucking impressive. drew reminded me that he is a jiujitsu guy, which i had kind of forgotten because he's also a kick boxer and i'm partial to kick boxers. don't ask me why, i just am.

i was so seriously thrilled when amir won the final fight. ask drew - i was shouting and jumping up and down and doing the happy dance until drew reminded me i should really be watching my back. so i quit jumping up and down but seriously, i'm still fucking elated!!! it was so great to see someone who is a really nice guy, who's obviously intelligent and reflective and so un-jock like, win the show. and amir hadn't had any professional fights before getting on the show, which was also pretty unusual. amir was just so unassuming all the way through the show that i really think people underestimated him. he wasn't doing the whole "i'm gonna clean up the floor with him" b.s. that so many fighters do, and it was a refreshing change.

the other thing i like about amir, which caught my attention at the start of tuf7, is that from his full and 3/4 profile he looks exactly like my friend, jamie. jamie would never have been caught dead doing something like mma. i just can't even imagine it. but it was really neat to see this guy who turned out to be such a likable, nice guy who also, on occasion, looks so much like my dear friend who i miss so much. i'll always have a soft spot for amir because he looks like jamie. i'm just so glad he won. i've never been so excited about anyone winning a fight, ever, not even gsp. woo hoo, amir!!!!

adventures in bee keeping

well, okay, we don't actually have any bees that we are keeping (yet) but you can learn some of the basics in this really awesome book that drew got out of the library, a slice of organic life. i LOVE this book! i bought a copy on amazon, it's that neat-o. it's full of all kinds of nifty things you can do to live greener, whether you live in a city apartment or have a few acres in the country. it covers everything from growing herbs in pots to keeping bees, chickens, milk cows and pigs to making preserves to using natural cleaners to making your own beeswax floor polish!!!! i really like the floor polish one. when i was a kid we had this floor buffer, which was kind of like a vacuum cleaner but it had these two round brushes and it was kind of out of control wild when turned on. you had to hold on tight or it could totally spin away from you. i have no idea where my mother got it. anyway, it was really fun to use and i remember going through a phase where me and my brothers, joe and justin, andi think my sister, molly, too, would polish the kitchen, dining room and hall floors. there we were on hands and knees putting polish on the floors and then breaking out the buffer. i know it's hard to believe that this could have been any fun for kids but we had a blast doing it and the floors looked so nice. i don't even think you're supposed to wax linoleum floors like the one in my parents' kitchen, and it's the same floor that they have now. they've had that baby for going on 34 or 35 years and there's just this one tile that's a little smashed in one corner. i remember being a squirt when my dad was putting it in and leaning up against his back so i could peek over his shoulder. it's amazing parents get anything done. how that floor has lasted so long i have no idea but perhaps the recreational waxing had something to do with it. if anyone wonders how i grew up to be a martha of the first magnitude, this post should clear that right up.

speaking of which we have a ton of tomato plants! there are the five that jimbo bought that are planted in the garden and they've gone wild! one of them is over three feet tall and most of the rest are not far behind. ironically, it's the smallest plant that we got our first two tomatoes from and they were delicious! then we have the eight or so "volunteers" that drew was experimenting with on the other side of the house in the rose bed. he wondered if we'd get any tomatoes if he just threw some old ones we didn't get around to using on the ground and guess what? they grow. there are easily eight tomato plants over there (roma tomatoes) and that's after me thinning them out. if i'd realized he was going to throw so many tomatoes around i'd have suggested he toss them somewhere other than the rose bed, but oh well.

i've decide i need to learn how to can things because we're gonna have a glut of tomatoes and i use chopped tomatoes so much for cooking, and it would be a crime to let them go to waste. besides, there's nothing like an in-season tomato fresh from your own garden. my mom used to can tomatoes all the time when i was a kid so i will get some tips from her and research it a bit at the library and on the internet. i hated canning tomatoes when i was a kid. the fricking things would make your hands burn after a while because they're so acidic, and i didn't eat tomatoes or any other vegetables if i could mange it, so it seemed doubly unjust that i was being forced to toil over the tomato grinder like some orphan child in dickens story. i also felt very oppressed when i had to pick green beans. it's pretty hilarious now since i love both green beans and tomatoes and can't wait to do some canning. just goes to show... you can never entirely escape your upbringing, not that i've tried very hard.

no moon in june for me

there is still not much going on with me at the moment which is why i haven't been blogging. i have also been kind of bummed because this weekend is the annual moon in june event up at kowana valley ranch near yosemite and i am obviously missing it! lynn & richard are a really awesome couple who own kowana valley ranch and host a mostly irish music and dance festival every year that is loads of fun. i missed it for the five years i was living in pittsburgh and was delighted to be able to go again last year. it was fantastic, as usual!!!!! i have been looking forward to it all year and my stupid back prevented me from attending. argh!!!!

seriously... you have no idea how bummed i am. i forbade drew making any other plans all year so that he could come with me because i knew he'd love it and i really wanted him to come. he gamely agreed to go along with me, because really... those of you who know drew know that there's really no way to forbid him doing anything. he's so contrary he'd do whatever it was just because you said he couldn't. there are so many awesome people who go to moon in june, lynn & richard are so wonderful, there's music and dancing and singing and campfires and hikes and swimming and more amazingly yummy food than you can imagine! it is so much fun!!!! you can always count on a good bottle of bourbon making the rounds of at least one of the campfires by midnight, too, which i mightily appreciate. i took up a bottle of knob creek bourbon last year as a birthday present for richard and it was very entertaining to watch people taking a slug as it made its way round the campfire because the bourbon drinkers really appreciated it while the novices made horrible faces and thought it was yucky. can you imagine anyone thinking knob creek is yucky, fellow bourbon lovers? even thought it was utterly wasted on some folks the amusement factor was definitely worth it. i was planning to bring along several good bourbons this year, but alas! well, i always have next year to look forward to and my brother mick, who is an amazing irish musician, and his wife are tentatively planning to come out for it, which would be awesome! i know they'll love it. it's just next year is so far away. sigh! then again, lots of people never get to go to anything like moon in june, ever, so i guess i should count my blessings.

anyway, that's it for me. hope all is well in the wider world. :-)

no wild news here, but felt like i should post and check in with everyone. i kind of feel silly saying "everyone" as i think there are about fifteen people who read my blog, maybe, and of that, probably three who do so consistently. i have no illusions that i am setting the blog sphere on fire. but still, it's fun and i enjoy it, and anything that keeps me feeling connected while i'm stuck home on my own is a worthwhile exercise.

i am feeling better and better everyday - thank God for surgery! i have a follow up appointment tomorrow and if that goes well i'll be starting physical therapy thereafter. i can't imagine it won't go well since i've been doing what i was told to do and have only overdone it twice since starting to really feel better. for an overachiever wanna go-go-go girl that's pretty darn good. apart from the aforementioned over did it incidents, a door to door hour long trip to the grocery store (i didn't carry anything) and a walk, i've been very conscious that even though i'm feeling better, i'm not. i don't want to do anything that will imperil my recovery... like, say... down hill skiing three weeks after surgery. i actually heard a story about someone who had the same surgery i had who did just that. guess what he ended up needing to do again, only more complicated and involving fusing bones and putting hardware into his spine? man, you kids are sharp! as much as i am profoundly grateful and thankful and thrilled that surgery has been able to help me, i don't plan to make a habit of it.

oh, i forgot to thank dave & diane for the get well card they sent me in my last post, so thank you!!! it was a funny one, too.

that's it for me as i need to get out of this chair... no sitting for more than 30 minutes or else i turn into an bad, achy pumpkin. i like pumpkins as much as the next gal, but i really don't want to be one. :)

surgery (aka gimpy no more!)

hallo everyone!!!! sorry it has been so long since i posted but i have been rather busy. a week ago tuesday, may 13th, was my surgery. i have to admit to being completely freaked out by the prospect but i'll do something before recounting the tale that i generally hate: give away the ending. it was a great success!!!!! i feel so much better it is not funny!!! yes, my back hurt a lot at first - it was cut into after all, but that shooting nerve pain down my leg and across my back that made it impossible to walk or stand up straight or enjoy life in any way is gone. hasta la vista, baby. yippee!!!!! all the numbness and pins & needles in my foot and leg were gone immediately after surgery. then they came back, but that is normal. it was actually freaking me out, but the same day that i got confirmation from the doctor (again) that is was indeed completely normal was the day they seemed to start going away. coincidence? i think not. it takes a while for things to settle down with the nerve is what i was told.

anyway, my surgeon, dr. blumenfeld, said he had never seen a disc herniate in quite the way mine had. even though i heard this afterwards, when it was clear that the surgery had been a success, i have to say... it's still not something you want your surgeon who has done over 1,000 back surgeries to say to you. i can't really explain well in writing just how it was different, apart from the direction it took upon herniating was obviously bizarre, so i won't even try. the other way it was different was that a piece of the extruded disc (the jelly-ish inner disc stuff that had herniated out through the tough outer disc) had broken off and migrated to the nerve root so that the nerve was getting pinched from two directions - from that little piece and from all the crap extruding from the disc. poor little nerve!!!! there was no way that was going to get better on its own so i am really happy i didn't bother with the epidural cortisone shot. i'd have ended up needing surgery once it wore off and it would have been two to four more weeks of fucking around beforehand.

i am so happy that i had surgery!!!!!!!!!!!! fifty years ago i'd have ended up a cripple in constant pain (or an addicted cripple in constant pain), and that's no exaggeration, so let's hear it for medical science and science in general!!!! i don't care what those flat-earther "intelligent design" folks say: science is our friend!!!! it's funny, that, because it seems to be the protestant "born again" denominations (in the u.s. anyway) that have problems with science. the official stance of the catholic church re: science and faith is that they are totally compatible, because science helps us better understand God's creation. it took a couple thousand years but is some ways my church is downright civilized. :)

but i digress...

i was pretty freaked out going in, barely slept the night before because of pain, and cried at least three times on the way to the hospital. my poor husband is all i can say. once i got checked and was being cared for by the pre-surgery nurses that all changed. they gave me painkillers and valium (i was so thankful for the valium i started laughing and saying thank you at the same time) and by the time they took me out to the operating room i wasn't really caring much what happened. i mean, i did care, of course but i wasn't anxious about it. the anesthesiologist, dr. kennedy, was very nice, explained things to me, told me how i was going to be put on my tummy and showed me the thing they were going to put my face on, even pressed it on my face so i'd know what it was like. dr. blumenfeld said hi from the other side of the operating table, which i wasn't on yet (they knocked me out for that, merciful creatures!), then dr. kennedy told me he was giving me a shot to help me relax and the next thing i knew i was in the recovery room! i had been freaked out about the general anesthetic, and i realized later that i was freaked out about knowing it was coming. i had envisioned what you see in all the movies... the mask coming down over your mouth and nose and being told to count backwards from ten. the way dr. kennedy did it was perfect because i had no idea he was starting to put me under with that shot.

so, i've been home since a week ago wednesday, may 14th. the nurses, everyone in fact, at good samaritan hospital were fantastic!!!! i've never been in the hospital when i've been really sick or debilitated before and they were just awesome! i felt so cared for. i hope you never do, but if you happen to herniate your disc in the san jose area and need to see a neurosurgeon, i highly recommend dr. blumenfeld and good samaritan hospital. the first two days home were kind of rough but drew and my sister, lucy, took very good care of me, and after that it started to get a lot better. by sunday i was able to get in and out of bed by myself. i'm able to take walks (in fact i am supposed to take frequent short walks) and have even taken solo walks around the block. the walks with drew are a lot more fun, but the poor guy has to go to work sometime. only bummer with the walks around the block is that unless i take it during the middle of the day i can't take zinger with me. i took one around 5 pm and that was a mistake in that she and baby, a little dog in the neighborhood, started barking at each other and i realized were zinger and a dog she might actually get into with would be a disaster, because i couldn't reel her in or intervene. won't make that mistake again. luckily during the day nobody's dogs are out, since they're at work.

that kind of brings me back to my big pet peeve about santa cruz and dogs: many people think leashes are optional and fireworks are mandatory. don't ask me why because for the life of me i can't figure it out.

in other news, i finished in two days a sensational book, lonely werewolf girl, by martin millar. you simply must read this book - it's hilarious!!!! and the chapters are all of three to four pages long, so even though it's about 230 pages you just rip through it. the short chapters kind of remind me of another of my favorite books, the serial, a year long tale of life in marin county in the seventies. it might be thirty years later, but a lot of things about marin, not to mention the bay area, have not changed one bit. :)

i also got some very pretty flowers. i forgot to take a picture of the ones from mom & dad while they were looking good, but i got these from lucy & laurence:





















and these from kendra and andy:





















THANKS!!!! and i got cards from arlene & don, christie & david & evelyn, and i know i'm forgetting someone else but drew is ready to throw me out of this chair, so i'll get you later. promise.

happy to see you all again.
(((((hugs)))))
anne

not as bad as all that

well, i'm having surgery next tuesday and between you, me, and anyone else who might be interested, I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yes, i am looking forward to surgery! after an enlightening consultation with the neurosurgeon yesterday and confab with my husband, we decided to go for it. some of the reasons are:

1. i have numbness and pins & needles in my left toes. i've probably had the numbness all along but i was in such pain before last week that i just didn't notice it (i did notice the p&n).

2. i have significant muscle weakness in my left leg, a result of the nerve impingement, which has been getting progressively worse since the injury. i've noticed this all along, but i didn't realize how bad it was until yesterday. the surgeon is concerned that such long-term impingement (3 months and counting as of this week) could lead to permanent nerve damage, which could in turn lead to muscle atrophy and possibly permanent muscle damage, even if the nerve got better eventually!!! so how did this all become super duper clear to me especially so yesterday? i was asked to stand on my left foot only, hold the wall to keep my balance, and then stand up on my toes. super easy, right? wrong. trying with all my might i can maybe get my heel about half an inch off the floor. that shocked the shit out of me!

3. the epidural shot might work, but it might not. it's another week just to have the consultation, i have no idea how long after that until i could get the shot. they do it as an outpatient procedure in an o.r. with sedation, so it has to be scheduled. if i had the shot and it didn't work my only option is surgery, just with another six weeks of fucking around beforehand.

4. i have a mother of a disc herniation. it's severe. i'd never seen an mri before and sure as hell don't know how to read one, but i picked it right out. it looks like a fucking solar flare. seriously, no exaggeration. my g.p. said it was severe, so i was kind of surprised when the neurologist didn't seem to think it was, but the neurosurgeon agreed with my g.p.

5. it's been three months since my injury and i'm not really improving. the oral steroids have helped, but i finished them and their effect is already wearing off. doesn't seem like an auspicious sign for the success of an epidural steroid. also, i have smaller than normal bone openings for the nerves to pass through in the first place, so inflammation is probably not the entire story.

6. recent studies that followed people w/ disc herniation for five years after they either had the surgery i will have (microdiscectomy) or didn't have any surgery found people who had the surgery had fewer recurrences of subsequent, similar injuries. maybe that won't bear out at ten years, but i'm willing to give it the benefit of the doubt. the funny thing is, drew mentioned to me today how the neurologist we saw last week, who told us that he himself has a herniated disc that he had treated with the shot, not surgery, mentioned several times subsequent problems. i hadn't really thought about it until drew mentioned it today. the surgeon said microdiscectomy is to back surgery what an appendectomy is to general surgery: common and routine, and if you have to have surgery, that's the kind you want to have. also, he's done over a thousand of them, so i'm not getting a novice.

7. but probably the biggest factor at this point after the first two reasons is that i am tired of being fucked up. i've been injured for three months, off work for six weeks at this point; i am tired of being disabled. i can't even walk to the corner and we're the third house in on our cul-de-sac. i can't walk the dog, i can't help her up onto the bed to sleep with me, i'm not supposed to pick up the cats because at 12 and 14 lbs they're heavier than i should be lifting. i can't walk to the beach, i can't sit in a chair for very long, go to a movie, go to dinner, or ride in the car w/out it hurting like fuck. i can't do laundry, go to the store, or, depending on the day, take a shower. fuck, i can't stand up straight! all i can do is pop pain killers, lie flat on my back or my right side, watch t.v., read & knit, eat, and that's pretty much it. i can't even reliably include sleeping on the list, because sometimes it hurts so much i can't sleep. my quality of life at the moment sucks and isn't getting better. i've talked to several people who've had surgery for herniated discs of both neck and back, my lovely cousin lisa among them, and they've all said it was worth it.

so... that's the surgery thing. it'll be next tuesday, may 13th, at 11 am. prayers and positive vibes accepted! and please, don't one of you waste one millisecond of your time searching the web for alternative options to the horrors of back surgery, because my mind is made up. if you must trawl the web on my behalf, do it to send flowers or something.

i'm over the crushing disappointment of the resident ministry rejection. yes, it sucks, and i hate not getting what i want, but quite frankly i have bigger fish to fry at the moment. i don't know how things will play out now with this new development, certainly not as i had envisioned them for the last several months, but it will all work out in the end. several years ago i was lamenting about a romance i thank my lucky stars did not work out (can you say dodged thermonuclear armageddon?) when a friend of mine at the time told me, "anne, things always work out in the end. if they haven't worked out, you just haven't reached the end yet." he was right, so i'm just coasting until i reach the end of all this, when it will all be worked out.