no wild news here, but felt like i should post and check in with everyone. i kind of feel silly saying "everyone" as i think there are about fifteen people who read my blog, maybe, and of that, probably three who do so consistently. i have no illusions that i am setting the blog sphere on fire. but still, it's fun and i enjoy it, and anything that keeps me feeling connected while i'm stuck home on my own is a worthwhile exercise.

i am feeling better and better everyday - thank God for surgery! i have a follow up appointment tomorrow and if that goes well i'll be starting physical therapy thereafter. i can't imagine it won't go well since i've been doing what i was told to do and have only overdone it twice since starting to really feel better. for an overachiever wanna go-go-go girl that's pretty darn good. apart from the aforementioned over did it incidents, a door to door hour long trip to the grocery store (i didn't carry anything) and a walk, i've been very conscious that even though i'm feeling better, i'm not. i don't want to do anything that will imperil my recovery... like, say... down hill skiing three weeks after surgery. i actually heard a story about someone who had the same surgery i had who did just that. guess what he ended up needing to do again, only more complicated and involving fusing bones and putting hardware into his spine? man, you kids are sharp! as much as i am profoundly grateful and thankful and thrilled that surgery has been able to help me, i don't plan to make a habit of it.

oh, i forgot to thank dave & diane for the get well card they sent me in my last post, so thank you!!! it was a funny one, too.

that's it for me as i need to get out of this chair... no sitting for more than 30 minutes or else i turn into an bad, achy pumpkin. i like pumpkins as much as the next gal, but i really don't want to be one. :)

surgery (aka gimpy no more!)

hallo everyone!!!! sorry it has been so long since i posted but i have been rather busy. a week ago tuesday, may 13th, was my surgery. i have to admit to being completely freaked out by the prospect but i'll do something before recounting the tale that i generally hate: give away the ending. it was a great success!!!!! i feel so much better it is not funny!!! yes, my back hurt a lot at first - it was cut into after all, but that shooting nerve pain down my leg and across my back that made it impossible to walk or stand up straight or enjoy life in any way is gone. hasta la vista, baby. yippee!!!!! all the numbness and pins & needles in my foot and leg were gone immediately after surgery. then they came back, but that is normal. it was actually freaking me out, but the same day that i got confirmation from the doctor (again) that is was indeed completely normal was the day they seemed to start going away. coincidence? i think not. it takes a while for things to settle down with the nerve is what i was told.

anyway, my surgeon, dr. blumenfeld, said he had never seen a disc herniate in quite the way mine had. even though i heard this afterwards, when it was clear that the surgery had been a success, i have to say... it's still not something you want your surgeon who has done over 1,000 back surgeries to say to you. i can't really explain well in writing just how it was different, apart from the direction it took upon herniating was obviously bizarre, so i won't even try. the other way it was different was that a piece of the extruded disc (the jelly-ish inner disc stuff that had herniated out through the tough outer disc) had broken off and migrated to the nerve root so that the nerve was getting pinched from two directions - from that little piece and from all the crap extruding from the disc. poor little nerve!!!! there was no way that was going to get better on its own so i am really happy i didn't bother with the epidural cortisone shot. i'd have ended up needing surgery once it wore off and it would have been two to four more weeks of fucking around beforehand.

i am so happy that i had surgery!!!!!!!!!!!! fifty years ago i'd have ended up a cripple in constant pain (or an addicted cripple in constant pain), and that's no exaggeration, so let's hear it for medical science and science in general!!!! i don't care what those flat-earther "intelligent design" folks say: science is our friend!!!! it's funny, that, because it seems to be the protestant "born again" denominations (in the u.s. anyway) that have problems with science. the official stance of the catholic church re: science and faith is that they are totally compatible, because science helps us better understand God's creation. it took a couple thousand years but is some ways my church is downright civilized. :)

but i digress...

i was pretty freaked out going in, barely slept the night before because of pain, and cried at least three times on the way to the hospital. my poor husband is all i can say. once i got checked and was being cared for by the pre-surgery nurses that all changed. they gave me painkillers and valium (i was so thankful for the valium i started laughing and saying thank you at the same time) and by the time they took me out to the operating room i wasn't really caring much what happened. i mean, i did care, of course but i wasn't anxious about it. the anesthesiologist, dr. kennedy, was very nice, explained things to me, told me how i was going to be put on my tummy and showed me the thing they were going to put my face on, even pressed it on my face so i'd know what it was like. dr. blumenfeld said hi from the other side of the operating table, which i wasn't on yet (they knocked me out for that, merciful creatures!), then dr. kennedy told me he was giving me a shot to help me relax and the next thing i knew i was in the recovery room! i had been freaked out about the general anesthetic, and i realized later that i was freaked out about knowing it was coming. i had envisioned what you see in all the movies... the mask coming down over your mouth and nose and being told to count backwards from ten. the way dr. kennedy did it was perfect because i had no idea he was starting to put me under with that shot.

so, i've been home since a week ago wednesday, may 14th. the nurses, everyone in fact, at good samaritan hospital were fantastic!!!! i've never been in the hospital when i've been really sick or debilitated before and they were just awesome! i felt so cared for. i hope you never do, but if you happen to herniate your disc in the san jose area and need to see a neurosurgeon, i highly recommend dr. blumenfeld and good samaritan hospital. the first two days home were kind of rough but drew and my sister, lucy, took very good care of me, and after that it started to get a lot better. by sunday i was able to get in and out of bed by myself. i'm able to take walks (in fact i am supposed to take frequent short walks) and have even taken solo walks around the block. the walks with drew are a lot more fun, but the poor guy has to go to work sometime. only bummer with the walks around the block is that unless i take it during the middle of the day i can't take zinger with me. i took one around 5 pm and that was a mistake in that she and baby, a little dog in the neighborhood, started barking at each other and i realized were zinger and a dog she might actually get into with would be a disaster, because i couldn't reel her in or intervene. won't make that mistake again. luckily during the day nobody's dogs are out, since they're at work.

that kind of brings me back to my big pet peeve about santa cruz and dogs: many people think leashes are optional and fireworks are mandatory. don't ask me why because for the life of me i can't figure it out.

in other news, i finished in two days a sensational book, lonely werewolf girl, by martin millar. you simply must read this book - it's hilarious!!!! and the chapters are all of three to four pages long, so even though it's about 230 pages you just rip through it. the short chapters kind of remind me of another of my favorite books, the serial, a year long tale of life in marin county in the seventies. it might be thirty years later, but a lot of things about marin, not to mention the bay area, have not changed one bit. :)

i also got some very pretty flowers. i forgot to take a picture of the ones from mom & dad while they were looking good, but i got these from lucy & laurence:





















and these from kendra and andy:





















THANKS!!!! and i got cards from arlene & don, christie & david & evelyn, and i know i'm forgetting someone else but drew is ready to throw me out of this chair, so i'll get you later. promise.

happy to see you all again.
(((((hugs)))))
anne

not as bad as all that

well, i'm having surgery next tuesday and between you, me, and anyone else who might be interested, I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yes, i am looking forward to surgery! after an enlightening consultation with the neurosurgeon yesterday and confab with my husband, we decided to go for it. some of the reasons are:

1. i have numbness and pins & needles in my left toes. i've probably had the numbness all along but i was in such pain before last week that i just didn't notice it (i did notice the p&n).

2. i have significant muscle weakness in my left leg, a result of the nerve impingement, which has been getting progressively worse since the injury. i've noticed this all along, but i didn't realize how bad it was until yesterday. the surgeon is concerned that such long-term impingement (3 months and counting as of this week) could lead to permanent nerve damage, which could in turn lead to muscle atrophy and possibly permanent muscle damage, even if the nerve got better eventually!!! so how did this all become super duper clear to me especially so yesterday? i was asked to stand on my left foot only, hold the wall to keep my balance, and then stand up on my toes. super easy, right? wrong. trying with all my might i can maybe get my heel about half an inch off the floor. that shocked the shit out of me!

3. the epidural shot might work, but it might not. it's another week just to have the consultation, i have no idea how long after that until i could get the shot. they do it as an outpatient procedure in an o.r. with sedation, so it has to be scheduled. if i had the shot and it didn't work my only option is surgery, just with another six weeks of fucking around beforehand.

4. i have a mother of a disc herniation. it's severe. i'd never seen an mri before and sure as hell don't know how to read one, but i picked it right out. it looks like a fucking solar flare. seriously, no exaggeration. my g.p. said it was severe, so i was kind of surprised when the neurologist didn't seem to think it was, but the neurosurgeon agreed with my g.p.

5. it's been three months since my injury and i'm not really improving. the oral steroids have helped, but i finished them and their effect is already wearing off. doesn't seem like an auspicious sign for the success of an epidural steroid. also, i have smaller than normal bone openings for the nerves to pass through in the first place, so inflammation is probably not the entire story.

6. recent studies that followed people w/ disc herniation for five years after they either had the surgery i will have (microdiscectomy) or didn't have any surgery found people who had the surgery had fewer recurrences of subsequent, similar injuries. maybe that won't bear out at ten years, but i'm willing to give it the benefit of the doubt. the funny thing is, drew mentioned to me today how the neurologist we saw last week, who told us that he himself has a herniated disc that he had treated with the shot, not surgery, mentioned several times subsequent problems. i hadn't really thought about it until drew mentioned it today. the surgeon said microdiscectomy is to back surgery what an appendectomy is to general surgery: common and routine, and if you have to have surgery, that's the kind you want to have. also, he's done over a thousand of them, so i'm not getting a novice.

7. but probably the biggest factor at this point after the first two reasons is that i am tired of being fucked up. i've been injured for three months, off work for six weeks at this point; i am tired of being disabled. i can't even walk to the corner and we're the third house in on our cul-de-sac. i can't walk the dog, i can't help her up onto the bed to sleep with me, i'm not supposed to pick up the cats because at 12 and 14 lbs they're heavier than i should be lifting. i can't walk to the beach, i can't sit in a chair for very long, go to a movie, go to dinner, or ride in the car w/out it hurting like fuck. i can't do laundry, go to the store, or, depending on the day, take a shower. fuck, i can't stand up straight! all i can do is pop pain killers, lie flat on my back or my right side, watch t.v., read & knit, eat, and that's pretty much it. i can't even reliably include sleeping on the list, because sometimes it hurts so much i can't sleep. my quality of life at the moment sucks and isn't getting better. i've talked to several people who've had surgery for herniated discs of both neck and back, my lovely cousin lisa among them, and they've all said it was worth it.

so... that's the surgery thing. it'll be next tuesday, may 13th, at 11 am. prayers and positive vibes accepted! and please, don't one of you waste one millisecond of your time searching the web for alternative options to the horrors of back surgery, because my mind is made up. if you must trawl the web on my behalf, do it to send flowers or something.

i'm over the crushing disappointment of the resident ministry rejection. yes, it sucks, and i hate not getting what i want, but quite frankly i have bigger fish to fry at the moment. i don't know how things will play out now with this new development, certainly not as i had envisioned them for the last several months, but it will all work out in the end. several years ago i was lamenting about a romance i thank my lucky stars did not work out (can you say dodged thermonuclear armageddon?) when a friend of mine at the time told me, "anne, things always work out in the end. if they haven't worked out, you just haven't reached the end yet." he was right, so i'm just coasting until i reach the end of all this, when it will all be worked out.

my stars are not aligned

got word today that i didn't get the resident minister job. i called my mom and had what will no doubt be the first of many huge bawling sessions. i feel marginally better after talking to her but i cannot even begin to express the depth of my disappointment and sadness. i really, really, really wanted this. i thought i'd be good at it. i thought it would help me get where i'd like to go. i have a fricking masters degree in ministry but apparently it didn't count for all that much. a grad student was probably chosen over me. how humiliating. i wish i could say it was an honor to be considered at all, but i am not there by a long shot yet. ever.

how much do you want to bet i end up needing surgery after all?

a tumble down the rabbit hole

our health care "system" sucks so bad it's not funny. i had to wait six weeks before my doc would order the mri for my herniated disc because he said the insurance wouldn't approve it before that, and i'm sure he's right, he does this kind of stuff all the time. week seven of this effing saga is when i finally get my mri. why do i need an mri? so i can go to the next step: see a neurologist.

i see the neurologist last week. he gives me oral steroids and an anti-seizure medicine that is supposed to work on different neural pain pathways. they've both been surprising effective at moving me from barely being able to walk and in pain all the time to being able to mange the pain (along with the percocet) and being more ambulatory than before. chairs are still a problem (i'm lying down with my laptop to write this), can't do much or it hurts, but still, better than before. he also recommends that i get an epidural steroid shot. next step: see an anesthesiologist to get an epidural steroid shot.

so... i call the referred approved anesthesiologist (because it's all go to be approved and referred, which took two days) to make that appointment and the woman tells me they're scheduling for june 12th. i was absolutely speechless. truly. i was stammering as i told her i'd already been off work for three weeks (actually it's going on five, and that's just the medical leave), that i was in pain, that i, i, i... that i was going to call the neurologist and see what he thought i should do because i can't wait another month. the neurologist had said to call him if i couldn't get an appointment quickly and he'd call them and talk to the doc for me.

i got off the phone with the neurologist's receptionist, who was telling me part of the problem is that there aren't that many anesthesiologists who take my insurance group - my really good employer-sponsored insurance group - when the anesthesiologist's office calls back to say they can see me a week from tomorrow. hallelujah!!!! don't get me wrong - i was very happy and thankful that the receptionist took pity on me, all on her own without me having to beg, even, but shit! it's another week, just to do the consultation. the procedure is another appointment and who knows when the fuck that will be? at this rate i'm thinking i'll be lucky to get the damn thing before my leave ends on may 22nd. if my leave has to be extended again i'll cry.

just to make the whole scenario even more kafkaesque, i have an appointment with a neurosurgeon tomorrow. for some reason it was no problem to get an appointment with the surgeon! we made it so we wouldn't be caught waiting if surgery becomes necessary. in a perverse way, i almost feel like if the surgeon says "yes, surgery will help you and we can do it next week" it would be easier to just have surgery. i know that's silly and dumb after having such encouraging results with the oral steroids and the anti-seizure medicine, but at least it wouldn't be more of this interminable d - r - a - g - g - i - n - g it out. it's so frustrating to try and get the care i need. it's not like i'm bitching about not being able to get an appointment with the plastic surgeon to get liposuction and a boob job i don't need! i just want to quit hurting, get well, get back to work and back to my life. i'm not asking for all that much.

i remember hearing these two middle-aged men talking at the gym before the 2004 election, and the one saying to the other, "and the middle class don't want that much. all they want to is a good job so they can own a house, raise a family, and give their daughter a nice wedding." he was right, and maybe that's the problem with this country... that the working people don't want all that much, because the people with the money and the power want it all - and they're not interested in sharing.

thank God drew is coming with me for my appointment tomorrow or i think i'd have a nervous breakdown.

steroids are not always bad

i had my appointment with the neurologist on friday. i could barely walk, i was in so much pain, and i am not exaggerating. i was in so much pain that when he suggested trying less radical options before surgery i was really pissed off and annoyed; we both were. that's how much i hurt. however, being the good girl i am (the guy is a neurologist so he might know what he's talking about), we got the oral steroid and another prescription filled - some epilepsy drug that he said works on different pain pathways than narcotics (i.e. the percocet that i have been gobbling down), and took the medicine. i also started the process for getting an epidural cortisone shot. that particular procedure involves shooting the cortisone right into the herniated disc area. it's a big rigamarole... i have to get sedated and i am sure some other crap too, but i have heard they're quite effective.

i woke up saturday feeling, well, okay. i wasn't wracked with pain because i'd slept past taking my percocet time, which was my life these past two and a half weeks as i got progressively worse. i wasn't completely better, but i was a lot better than i'd been. it seemed nothing short of miraculous. that's when i decided that steroids, because of people who abuse them, get a bad rap. kind of like pit bulls, which are a wonderful breed (petey from "the little rascals" was a pit), but when owned by reckless assholes can be trained to be aggressive.

i felt pretty weird and tripped out on saturday, let me tell you. our neighbor, nate, came over with his adorable children, liam and emma, for a bbq and i spent most of my time on the couch during the entire event, that's how tripped out i felt. drew told me on sunday it was nice to have me happy and cheerful again, which was nice, but it made me realize i must have been horribly bitchy lately and i was trying so hard not to be. drew is so sweet.... he said it was okay because being in chronic, horrible pain just sucks and he knows that, and part of taking care of me was to not let on that i was being bitchy and miserable. sigh...... i love that man. he's just so good. :)

i am hopeful that the epidural cortisone shot will be all that i need to recover. now that i'm not feeling like i'm going to die from the pain, surgery again seems like a last resort option! it's also a measure of just how much this thing has sucked my will to live. my medical leave was extended by my doctor until may 22nd (totally demoralizing, let me tell you), but i'm hoping that my epidural shot can be scheduled soon, and maybe, if it works as well as the current stuff has, that i can get back to work before that. i really like my job and i miss it. i love to think that should i come into massive amounts of cash i could just be a complete and utter dosser but the reality is i'm the kind of person who needs a place to go. maybe not every day, but most days. i probably wouldn't need a job to accomplish that, so don't get me wrong... i'm not chaining myself to the 9-5 world should it ever happen, but the chances of that are about as good as the chance of brad and angelina popping in for a visit. ah well... to dream!!!

here's a picture from the bbq... trump and emma playing hockey!

drew and nate manning the grill :)

craftiness abounds...

there is one aspect of the gimpy back situation that has, in fact, been rather nice. i have been knitting and crocheting like a mad woman. first off, i finished owen's hoodie!!!! woo hoo! they are all visiting at the ancestral home in lovely but freezing cold pittsburgh, where the hoodie arrived in plenty of time for their departure home to holland. i'm just happy that i managed to finish the fecking thing before he finished high school! i had jokingly started thinking of it as his graduation present, since it was supposed to be for his first birthday and he turned two in january. i think it will be big for him, but he can grow into it.

















i have also finished my first felting project and lemme tell you, felting is fun!!!! well, it's not actually felting... technically what i did is called fulling, but in the common parlance of the crafty world at the moment it's called felting. it's all about marketing in the end, i suppose. i made the backpack below and gave it to my niece, rachel. it was great to get a call from her telling me how much she loves it! yeah!!!!
















i added a little inside pocket, which the pattern lacked. it was kind of accidental... i realized i screwed up the little outer pocket, so i just finished to so i could sew in a zipper and voila! you can see the side pocket there, with the blue edging. there's one on the other side, too. my flower petals aren't as round as in the picture for the pattern but heck if i can figure out what i did wrong. i can't for the life of me figure it out, but they look nice so no harm, no foul. i guess i could have sent drew for my crocheting books, since i wasn't going to run around the house for them with my back and leg hurting. i had to wrestle them into shape after pulling them out of the washer as they still looked like deformed star fish but i think they look enough like flowers, even if they are skinny petaled.

right now i am working on a baby blanket. drew's cousin had a baby so i thought, seeing as how i've got all this time on my hands, that i could make a baby blanket. i am getting there... i have to make about twenty more granny squares and there will be pictures, just not today.

sorry for the huge time gaps between posts. last two weeks have been pretty chronic with the herniated disc, but hopefully that will change. eventually.