i guess it's been an industrious weekend, in a laid back sort of way. i canned 15 jars of meyer lemon marmalade (with lavender), which is always satisfying. my only complaint about this six hour endeavor is that the jarring part coincided with the start of the season premiere of doctor who (on bbc america). due to our crappy direct tv dvr being hinky we were forced to watch it in real time, so some of the middle 15 minutes it i only heard and caught glimpses of, but enough to still enjoy it. like the new doctor. wasn't sure i would, what with my resistance to change and all.

today i mowed and weeded the front yard. doesn't sound like much but we let the grass get way too high. attacking that with an old fashioned rotary blade push mower was no fun but i prevailed! now it only looks kind of culchie. in a few minutes i will hem drew's new pants. can't have him back at work looking all shabby in pants that aren't comfy. that wouldn't do at all.

tomorrow will be three months since devin died. i still can't believe it. with how sad i've been you'd think i would. you'd think it would be pretty fucking clear to me, but it still doesn't seem real in a way. i miss him so much. that doesn't even begin to cover it. when i think about never seeing devin again my whole body feels heavy and my tummy hurts. and i start to cry, of course. i think that's what i need to do... i think i need to go curl up in a ball in the bathroom and have a good old cry. i don't know why i like to cry in the bathroom, sitting on the floor with my back to the tub. maybe because there's usually an 80% chance herbie will join me, if he's in the house. or hitachi-san... they are vying for supremacy in the bathroom turf war. why it's such valuable real estate is beyond me.

i worry about my family, too. i worry about my brother and his wife, and son and daughter. i worry that they won't make it through. i worry that the pain of losing dev will change them for the worse. i worry that losing devin will be the horrible disaster that will keep on giving. i am afraid it'll be the tip of an iceberg of loss that my family will never bounce back from. it's already been permanently changed by devin's death in such a terrible, painful way. i don't want more of that on top of it. maybe we are more resilient than that but i don't know... i don't feel very resilient lately. just tired and stressed, and sad and lonely - isolated and generally friendless. i guess i just need to keep slogging on and see what happens, and try not worry so much, which is hard. i come from a long line of worriers (on my mother's side). well, i guess that's it for now... on that cheery note i shall leave to hem pants. it's always something.