maybe it's just that time of year

man, but am i homesick the past few days... i miss everyone: my family, my friends, our old flat and walks around highland park, admiring all the pretty old houses. stopping by the unofficial dog park to hang with fellow members of the doggie set. i miss riding the 73b into work every day, not even because it was such an easy commute, but because it was fun, too. thanks to "chatty cathy" drew we made a lot of friends on that bus. i miss our dinner parties, and know a lot of you do, too. even the grammatically atrocious, way too loud conversations of yinzers from la-ville would be welcome right now. that it's the gray time of year, as my good friend beth put it, doesn't dampen my desire to be home at all.

i am missing a sense of place... a sense of permanence and belonging. everything is too transitory and ambiguous right now, and i don't like ambiguity. i like things to be clear and defined. living in santa cruz is temporary, and while i am really thankful for that because the commute sucks (in terms of time) and it's too far away from everything despite being a lovely town, it means more change. it's too soon to know what moving up to the south bay will be - will it be getting our own place or starting as a resident minister here at scu and living on campus? both have their pros and cons... our own place would be expensive, but it would be our space, with our stuff, and that has great power and appeal. resident ministry would mean getting to use my masters degree, which is exciting, a great commute (a few minutes walk) and an opportunity to save some money, but it also means our stuff staying in storage, which is so discouraging to me at times that it makes me almost want to sell most of it on ebay and craig's list and save that money to start again later (a bad idea, i know.) rm would also mean a small apartment, close physical confines. after living in someone else's house, which we are very lucky to be doing, it would be so nice to feel like our new space is really ours.

i guess i'm also feeling a bit worn down by the unforgiving nature of life in northern california. yeah, it's beautiful and there's lots to do, more opportunity work-wise for both of us, but it's so expensive that the opportunities don't make up for the difference in cost of living. they just don't. any mis-steps or set-backs can mushroom in no time flat to something incredibly unpleasant. that was one of the things i really liked about home... much more forgiving in that respect. even though i really love my job and i'm very grateful that drew isn't having the sorts of problems he was having in pittsburgh, it feels like we're losing ground. i was a very late bloomer when it comes to career. i didn't get it, if that makes any sense, until recently. maybe it's partially a product of being the first generation to go to college in my family combined with living at home while going to school, but i didn't understand, hell, i didn't even know how to go about building a career. i didn't understand what it took, never mind how to get there. i didn't know how to leverage my degree to my advantage so i just kind of drifted from one thing to the next. i'm way far behind in that respect, which a little over a year shy of forty can be kind of depressing if i let it. and how the hell did i end up pushing forty? that is just way too bizarre. i usually don't let this stuff bum me out, but you know how it is when you're already feeling low. i can do better from here on out, of course, that's the beauty of life, but i wish i'd understood it all earlier.

i guess, fundamentally, i'm feeling lonely right now. i have so little free time during the week that i don't have time to connect with the few friends i still have out here, never mind making new ones. i'm so fucking tired by the weekend that i never seem to get everything i need to do done. thanksgiving is coming up and we still don't know what we're doing. i can't seem to pin my sister down about what they're planning/do they want to plan something with us... i need to call her today about that. several of the friends i do have here still have been part of a book club for over fifteen years that does thanksgiving together, others have moved on to have families and are doing their own thing, so they're out. i was always the one who invited the strays to dinner; realizing i might actually be one is pretty discouraging. combine that with wanting to cook and fuck! no wonder i'm blue. drew and i can always have thanksgiving together, but let's be honest, it's kind of pathetic to have two people for thanksgiving.

ah well. believe it or not, i am actually feeling better that i was yesterday, thanks to the efforts of the homesick/discouraged/weeper support network (aka beth, kendra and judy). and i know i'll feel better soon, i always do. :) at least i don't delude myself thinking i have to get life figured out. i don't think that ever happens, really, even when you're eighty three. you have some stuff figured out by then for sure, but LIFE? it's too big to figure it all out, but it sure is interesting trying.